Ep. 17 - Albert Chavez: Transformation In The Deserts of Life

Join us as we traverse the rugged terrain of personal transformation with our guest, a beacon of resilience and raw honesty. They lay bare their journey from hitting rock bottom to rising with accountability and courage, a testament to the strength found in vulnerability. With candor, we delve into the challenges of redefining masculinity within the Mexican American community, and we examine how a desert trip became a crucible for change, proving that even with a broken leg, the spirit's resolve can carry one through unimaginable trials.

Tune in for an episode that's not just an exchange of words but an offering of life lessons and heartfelt inspiration.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:20

Boom, hey Dan, hey buddy, how are you? I'm well. Happy, belated Mother's Day.

Speaker 2 0:24

Thank you. You know what's funny, actually? A lot of people kept saying to me yesterday like my wife was with me most of the day and they'd be like wave and say hey, happy.

Speaker 3 0:31

Mother's Day and I was like hey, thanks you too, man. And then I realized like nobody was talking to me.

Speaker 2 0:39

No, something about being a mom like really well, it's. It's like, you know, if the mom and dad are together and you guys are kind of co-parenting and everybody's involved, the dad is really like the backup quarterback, where they know the plays, they know the general, like what, what's supposed to go on. But if they've got to go in full time man, everybody's nervous oh, it's a disaster, yeah, and when they just make completions, when they're just running, you know, moving the chains. Everyone's like, oh's like, oh.

Speaker 1 1:02

Man, he's amazing, what a dedicated dad, my wife leaves for two nights. If I cook one meal for like my kids and myself, it's like game over.

Speaker 2 1:12

Yeah, well, you know, I can't believe.

Speaker 1 1:14

I can cook dinner for the four of us, no problem.

Speaker 2 1:16

Well, happy Mother's Day to the moms.

Speaker 1 1:17

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 1:19

Speaking of moms, I get to meet your wife for the first time ever at the pickleball tournament.

Speaker 1 1:23

That was a fantastic day, man it was that was so cool. I've actually just wrapped up kind of collecting all the money about $2,400 for a local Placer County breast cancer charity.

Speaker 2 1:37

So tell people a little bit about it. We got to play a little pickleball and it was awesome on Friday, but I got to see your competitive side, which was awesome.

Speaker 1 1:44

It can be, can be super fun, um. So, yeah, we put on a pickleball tournament. It was a, uh, it was a, it was a. It was an excuse to network and play pickleball. Um, last year that, uh that, uh, tracy Goularty and I came up with and uh it spun into this really cool deal. We, we had, uh we had 16 teams out there this past Friday, $150 a team, and then we had a handful of sponsors that came out to support the event and be involved in the networking.

Speaker 1 2:09

And then what we do is we take the winning team chooses their charity of their choice, and we just take all the proceeds from the event and we're going to walk into this place with a check in our hand, and last time we did it it was super cool. There were tears and excitement and joy and all that, so it's just a really, really cool day.

Speaker 2 2:26

We lucked out, the weather was perfect, the weather was perfect, it was awesome. And McBean Park for those guys who haven't been in Lincoln, McBean Park has some great courts. It was super comfortable and, honestly, it was just really easy to run the tournament there.

Speaker 1 2:40

Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 2:40

Logistics for that stuff can be tough sometimes, but that was a great place to do it.

Speaker 1 2:43

Yeah, for the most part, I've got some experience running kind of larger scale events like that. So the competitive stuff, I understand the bracketing and how to break all that out, which really helps. But yeah, it was an awesome day. Man, I'm still really excited and, like I said, marina came out and played with her friend and it was pretty cool.

Speaker 2 3:04

Yeah, friend, and uh it was pretty cool.

Speaker 1 3:05

Yeah, and just so you guys know, dan and I played together. We did not win, but we lost to the team that won the whole thing, so, so I guess that's cool I mean ish but I don't like to lose, and that's no, yeah, yeah um

Speaker 1 3:15

it's, it's it's a tough spot for me sometimes. I don't I always, I do kind of we talk about imposter syndrome and I do have to rein back, like my competitiveness, a lot in the in the space where I'm networking and working, Cause I'm a lot like you and would probably but I was throttling it back quite a bit on Friday just to not be too over the top you know when you're putting on when you're putting the thing on.

Speaker 2 3:35

and it was great, yeah, it was perfect.

Speaker 1 3:37

I don't have that in me. I need next time. Next time I'll go hammer down.

Speaker 2 3:40

I'm going to have a whole group of people to run all this stuff and I'll just Exactly so next year, guys, whoever's participating in the third annual Dan is going to be a dick. I don't even talk to him.

Speaker 1 3:49

I did, though I did lose complete control and dropped one of the loudest audible F-bombs I've ever.

Speaker 2 3:56

And that's the moment that I thought we, I thought we had a chance. When that happened, I was like, okay, we're in.

Speaker 1 4:01

It had been pent up and the frustration was mounting. And when it came out I was like oh, whoops.

Speaker 2 4:08

It was a good time, though you know what?

Speaker 1 4:09

I didn't see anybody get hurt. It was the authentic me.

Speaker 2 4:11

Yeah, you know, and like you take middle-aged folks and you put them in a competitive athletic environment, nobody got hurt. I didn't see any fights break out, that's it.

Speaker 1 4:19

I will say one of the coolest things of that event, too, is I was, um, I was going through putting a video together for social media today and just reaching out to the people saying, hey, thank you so much. They were sharing pictures and all that. And uh, just the, the, the inadvertent networking that goes on. The people that meet other people and you'll almost always inadvertently have like someone, will end up in a deal with someone they met that day and that's that's the real, the cool stuff.

Speaker 1 4:44

Like that's the stuff that, uh, that makes it long lasting and enduring. You know, I had somebody reach out since then about doing a deal together.

Speaker 2 4:51

Just totally you know I kicked the shit out of him in the quarterfinals but, um, you know, obviously it's uh, it's cool for that. And then actually it was really kind of cool because we never knew who listened to the podcast. And I saw some people that I haven't seen in a little while and they were like going over some of the episodes, because the odd thing for you guys who don't know is dan and I don't get a ton of feedback on the back end in terms of hard numbers, the way that we stream this. We can see downloads but we can't see necessarily I'm sure there's a way, but we don't do it the live streaming opportunities and so yeah it's kind of cool to be like oh, you guys did listen to that.

Speaker 2 5:23

I can see my mom downloads it every week. But other than that.

Speaker 1 5:25

It was kind of cool. Yeah, my sister, your mom, my sister texted me last week. She was excited. She got a shout out in the pods.

Speaker 2 5:33

Yeah, I told my mom we were recording today and she's like oh, you guys are due for one.

Speaker 1 5:37

Looking forward to Thursday.

Speaker 2 5:39

Without further ado, though, we should probably get rolling on that. Tell us a little bit about our guest today.

Speaker 1 5:43

Let's do it, man. So, so, um, this is someone who I've considered a friend for a long time. Met him when I was first getting into the industry, at least 10 years ago. Um, and the wild thing is when I, when I first met him, he was uh, he was definitely one of the people that I was not going to be out with after hours because he was a fucking maniac and getting after it and, quite frankly, I was a little scared of some of the places that he might have gone at that point. Since then, he has reined himself in and, I would say, completely just retooled his entire life. He's sober for two years. He's now authored a book, which we'll touch on a little bit today. So, without further ado, man, my good friend Albert Chavez, let's play him in.

Speaker 1 6:45

Yes, sir, If you can't get fired up to the intro for Enter Sandman, so, Albert, your walk-up song. It's your first Major League at Bat. That's a joke. Obviously You've done this a little bit. But Enter Sandman, talk to us, man. Why did you choose Enter Sandman for your walk-up song?

Speaker 3 7:04

A lot of reasons. A, it's a badass song.

Speaker 2 7:06

First, of all it is, and it's hard for me to take a clip. I was like can we just listen to a whole minute of it first?

Speaker 3 7:11

But I literally it's the first time I've ever done that, so thank you.

Embracing Accountability and Personal Transformation

Speaker 3 7:14

I have something new to come across, but I literally closed my eyes listening to it, the reason why that song resonates. It not only hits your soul, it takes you to a place that most people don't want to go. It's that internal beast that savage that motherfucker You're like. I know you're there, I'm just afraid to open it up. I chose to open them up. Tell us more about that. I want to know. So you know Dan's right, you know him and I run across each other, and I've been in the industry since 2006 in a mortgage lender, and we've run across each other for for years just like Zach, by the way and, um, I would say golfing today the feedback, feedback that I've gotten from the old version of Albert to this version. 100% of the time time you weren't approachable. You're kind of an asshole and I didn't trust you. It should have been a realtor, not a lender or an escrow officer. Yeah, um, but but no, so long and short of it is is uh, when you get the book, I'll get you the book, but yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 8:19

I can't wait, 19.

Speaker 3 8:20

In a nutshell, uh have freight train got me. I literally was out of control. I was divorced, my kids are older, but I hit this point where most men I think it they just avoid. I happen to be fortunate enough to have grown ass kids, no responsibilities anymore except myself. Yet all that baggage, all that sweating right now, all that, um, that that's life that we uh avoid and hide behind drinking, partying, women, whatever came to fruition and just slammed me, went through a breakup and this isolation I went through for five months in my in my own apartment walls, caving in. I just got to a point where I just hated myself.

Speaker 3 9:04

There's a scene in the book that I wrote that it was on a saturday morning stiff drink, whiskey drink at 9 am and I'm in my bed and it spills all over the place. I'm like fuck. I was like what are you doing? Like what are you doing? I just. It was that moment, man, where I was just like enough is enough, I don't like who you are, what the hell are you going to do to change? And that was, that was the catalyst. But it wasn't the bottom, it wasn't the rock bottom yet. So to answer your question is I had to, I had to, really just I call it face the mirror for the first time.

Speaker 3 9:37

And I love to say where are you at, as opposed to a lot of men and people in life. They have a window. I have a window versus mirror. The window is they did it, they're the reason, my mom did it, my dad did it. I had this upbringing and then we blame and complain and we project. But when you turn the mirror, that window into a mirror, you're like oh, I'm the problem, oh, it's my fault, oh, I have to take accountability.

Speaker 2 10:04

That is essentially what I did, and you know what's amazing about that. First of all, thank you for sharing Like we try to create a podcast here that was authentic, and I've loved that it has evolved a little bit. People are breaking away from talking about, you know, mortgage insurance and talking about some real shit. So thank you for opening up. But two things that strike me right off the bat. I feel like like this could be a three-hour episode today if we wanted it to be One.

Speaker 2 10:26

Dan and I have talked about the mirror before with other people on here. We've talked about the mirror in terms of accountability. My dad always talked to me about that growing up. It was like, at the end of the day, you can bullshit me. We were both athletes. You can bullshit everybody else. You can get by on talent to an extent, but at the end of the day, when it's quiet and no one's around, there's no trophies and no practice, there's no coach.

Speaker 2 10:48

You know and this applies to mortgage, to being a business owner you look in the mirror and you know did I? Did I give everything I had? Was I accountable? Was I doing the things I need to do? And then the second thing would be man. How powerful is that? Talk about that a little bit, because when you look in the mirror out of the window, everybody else has the control. When you're looking out the window, All the baggage has the control. The other people have control. When you look in the mirror, do you feel like you gained some control over your own composure with that accountability? You can do something about that.

Speaker 3 11:19

Do you want to?

Speaker 1 11:19

say something real quick no, go ahead.

Speaker 3 11:25

So what the mirror did for me? A couple things happened. I mean, I mean the mirror literally happened, like literally happened, not just a figure of TV. I was in Tahoe and with some friends right after this break that was going on, and I literally looked in the mirror, had my shirt off, I looked in the mirror. I'm like you look like shit.

Speaker 3 11:40

I literally said that. I took, I literally took pictures of myself. I have them in my phone. It was November 20th, like 2019 backside, and I'm like no wonder why she left you, no wonder why no one wants to be around. You know what I think? I mean I literally took accountability and I was like, and just sitting with myself, two things happen. I. One of my biggest fears in life came true. It was to be all alone, to be alone at, to be alone At 47 years old alone. That gave me the realization that no one gave a fuck. I have a saying no one gives a fuck about you. Nobody, I don't give, nobody. It's you versus you every day.

Speaker 1 12:17

That's Blake's big one. No one's coming to help you. You said it in the book.

Speaker 3 12:20

There's no Calvary, no one's coming at the chills and so when, when, just just epiphany happened. But but here's what a lot of people miss, though you can say all those words, you can have this motivation for the night, you can get all grandiose and tell your buddies, yeah, I'm gonna change and do nothing show me, don't tell me, right, yeah, and this is where the action so what I did literally that week and this is where the decision comes in.

Speaker 3 12:45

They're very important once you make a decision, like a conscious decision that your conscious is telling you to do, not your ego, your conscious like you got to do this. You got to drop that balance, you got. You got to stop getting angry, you got to stop the dope. You got to start the porn. You got to stop all this stuff. You have to do the universal put in front of you.

Speaker 3 13:01

That week, something happened to to where I saw this ad with this life coach and I reached out to him. I didn't, he didn't know if I'm Adam. I'm Adam and I just like I don't know you, bro. But he was on Instagram and I just started asking questions and, unbeknownst to me, I then got a conversation with him. It was the first time I ever asked for help in my life as a man. How'd that feel? Actually talked on the phone, I felt for the first time that somebody actually heard me, a man heard me, and so that empowerment again, the decision wasn't just the decision, it was like what did I do? So I hired him and then I hired a personal coach. I met Zach and I knew each other, but I saw Zach post about what he did. So my point is I actually said if I'm going to change, what do I got to do now? I hired people, I put them in place, but that's not it. Those are just the big steps. It was. What am I going to do daily when I wake up?

Speaker 2 14:02

Yeah.

Speaker 3 14:02

What am I going to do differently? So this whole shift that happened was like a big shift, like big ship trying to move its rudder and it just, it just took forever. But what I'm so proud of is even the days that I failed. The next day I'm like you could do better. You could do better and that's kind of right here.

Speaker 2 14:21

Yeah, that's what, and I think, like sorry to interrupt you there Like that's where people fall off, Dan and I again, this is awesome and you're on. And one one of the things like people laugh if they do listen to the show every gamer, baller, you know person that's been successful. You know we try to have people on the half. This is one thing. Is this true, you know? On the continuous consistency, it's either consistency of accountability, a lot of them it's daily, daily activities and habits. Like we always laugh, like I'm looking over here, dan's got a seven habits of highly effective people. It is that you know you have to turn that rudder, to turn that big ship, but it doesn't do much if you can't just hit the checklist every day, if you can't be consistent and all the things, whether it's sobriety, personal wellness getting rid of the baggage and really committing to those incremental steps, because you ain't turning a steamship in a few minutes.

Speaker 1 15:12

It's going to be a process. We talked about how to eat an elephant one bite a time. You got a big pile, a big pile of something you got to get through Like you can't take it all on at once, and it's baby steps. And then that's where that accountability and that consistency comes in, comes into place. So, yeah, I love it. I mean because the themes, just like Blake said, they just keep weaving in and out and it's almost like it's what this podcast has become, but like the authenticity of hearing it from so many people who've done so many things. So, um, we're going to, we're going to move on. We're going to move Cause we're going to come back to some more book stuff, but so so you are a. You are also a Sacramento transplant. You are not from Sacramento, correct?

Speaker 3 15:51

I would say I'm not from Sacramento, but I am a Sacramentoan. I've been here since I was 15, 13. Okay, so where were you born LA.

Speaker 2 15:57

Okay.

Speaker 3 15:58

I was there until I was 13. Dad moved us up in the 80s and been here since 84. And I don't ever want to go back to LA.

Speaker 2 16:06

It's funny you say that because we could have named this podcast shit on LA.

Speaker 1 16:11

We always rip on LA. We have no listeners in LA on LA.

Speaker 3 16:18

We have no listeners in LA. I'll go down for a weekend.

Speaker 1 16:19

I'm good, I'm just going to come back home. It's like Vegas, man, You're like I've had enough yeah.

Speaker 2 16:22

I got my hit.

Speaker 3 16:23

Okay.

Speaker 2 16:24

So you've been here for a good 30 plus years.

Speaker 3 16:26

Pretty much. I grew up here, I went to high school at Castle Roba high school, graduated, uh. But what's interesting, though, as a story unfolds is is I knew there were issues going on. I just kept ignoring them, kept ignoring them. I became a young dad at 22 years old, wow. And then, uh, I got married at 24, 25, 26 and like that what's easier kids?

Speaker 1 16:43

it's easier to ignore them, right? Sure it is. I heard the one thing. Like you know, stuff gets swept under the rug. When you sweep enough stuff under the rug becomes a trip hazard absolutely right, like you had a lumpy rug, yeah, so in a pattern.

Speaker 3 16:54

I was a married man with three kids at 29. Wow, and.

Speaker 1 16:58

Dang, I had my first kid at 29.

Speaker 3 17:00

Crazy.

Speaker 1 17:00

Yeah.

Speaker 3 17:00

So you can see already right, the theme is this young man this young man trying to figure life out but then becomes this dad and has a new quote unquote purpose. I don't need to address any of that stuff.

Speaker 1 17:22

I can be this other man, because I'll never, no one will ever, know that. Yeah, I mean. So you can. You can also choose which things you're prioritizing. Right, like and knowing that those are, those are there in the in the corner and they're going to be difficult to deal with, but, you know, prioritizing your kids. You weren't wrong. Right, you were providing for your kids and making sure that you were, that you were taking care of that, but it was a conscious choice, like you said but here's one thing I recognize is, through that conscious choice, I was still missing one thing.

Navigating Masculinity and Personal Growth

Speaker 3 17:41

This is what I tell all dads and all parents. I can tell you 100 I was never present with them. I was always looking in the back of what I should have done and this is before social media before, before the iphone when it was all like right there at your fingertips.

Speaker 1 17:56

What should I be doing?

Speaker 3 17:57

Yeah, I was never at present because society I got taught to go just do, do, do, do not be, be, be, be.

Speaker 1 18:06

Yeah, now was that guilt to earn, to provide.

Speaker 3 18:08

It was. It was guilt. It was guilt to survive. Okay, like I was in this, I was in this, two things. It was that and also this pedestal I put myself. On that I had to be more honestly. We're going to we're going to go on a little bit of trajectory here. I'm mexican american, believe it or not. In the culture, they define you that you're already behind the ball. So I had this chip on my shoulder that I needed to be better than dan blake because I'm ex. I was brown, believe me a lot. I believed that for years machismo, right, yeah, well it's it's indoctrinated.

Speaker 3 18:41

yeah, that I got to do more because I'm, but so my point is I had that, then I had my young dad and then all these responsibilities, so it allowed me to avoid everything in the past, but what it did is just reared its head up in other ways because I didn't know how to communicate. You know, I got frustrated, I got angry. So all these things were present, I just didn't know what they were.

Speaker 2 18:59

Yeah, and isn't that crazy too, is it? And it's Dan talked about a little bit there's you reprioritize to when you become a parent. And I think unfortunately I was having this conversation with a good friend of ours this morning about children's youth sports and just the fact that in the last 30 years I feel like so many parents have just focused on what's best for the kids, and now it's more than ever I think we're starting to finally break through for, like grown men, like alpha men, to start and I'm not saying like just talk about your feelings, but to start break down some of like the systemic trauma that's been in your life, to start like taking credit and accountability for like I need to work on myself before I can go to that next level of being a dad. I'm capped out right, like I can't be present. I can't be a better husband to their mom until I deal with some of my shit. I can't be a better role model to them. I can fake it, I can go grind, I can work I mean, in this industry certainly I can go network and build up my brand and I can bring in more dollars and I can close more deals, but you're just never quite get there.

Speaker 2 19:55

So I'm I'm happy that we're on this forefront of starting to like chip away at that when you have, you know, joe Rogan's and Huberman's and and you know a lot of people that are starting to talk about like hey, you gotta, if you're going to be a grown man, jocko Wilnick's like people talking about. And I think we're pulling back towards probably the best combination of the last 50 years. So you've got the boomers who were just like when men were men. I'm going to get on the beach at Norm DM, kick ass and I'm going to take names and I'm never going to complain. And then the softness of probably the next generation that did too much for their kids and probably overindulged their feelings and their vices. And if we can kind of combine those two, we've got strong men who know how to be men again, but they're, you know, at least aware some compassion yeah.

Speaker 2 20:39

I'm not just going to go home at five o'clock and have three whiskeys and beat my wife, like there's. There's probably somewhere in between where we're in this era of creating a new man that can't deal with their shit. They can be accountable, they can strive to be better than they can be honest with their kids Like I'm not perfect, dad's working on this and they can still lead and still be respected. So I don't have it figured out, man, but I'm. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're working on it. So I love just starting to dive into this story and it's just awesome to sit across from somebody who's who's doing that who's who's making the on.

Personal Transformation Through Isolation and Reflection

Speaker 3 21:11

That rabbit hole is um. I think we've been taught wrong, like as young men. We've all been taught like what do I do for living? Where do you want to go? Like all these accomplishments and the biggest project I talked I actually posted the biggest project we have in life is ourself 100 and we don't track.

Speaker 3 21:30

We don't track what we want in life. We tracked who we are, and people want to make a million dollars and have this lavish life. No, you have to become to attract what you want. So what I decided to do is to create this avatar, this person that I wanted to become. I didn't have a beard before. I didn't dress like this before. I'm 52 years old. Who dresses like this right? Who looks like this? I wanted to get real. I wanted to get, I wanted to be. I wanted to have a certain style. So what I had to do is look at myself as where I was at. Who do I want to be? This 10.0 version? And how am I going to get there? I just chiseled away at all the weaknesses that weren't him. It's all I did.

Speaker 3 22:06

The hard part is doing it daily application. The application daily when no one's looking, when you're by yourself, when it's fucking four in the morning and it's 35 degrees outside, are you going to do it? People talk about that, but when you, are you going to do that? And that's the biggest thing. I think that how I'm different is I could talk to 10 men and they can say what they want to do. But then I'd say, okay, let's do this tomorrow morning. Are they going to do it?

Speaker 3 22:29

And I know that Tim won't do it, because it's not just their, why I call it their burn. What's your burn?

Speaker 2 22:35

And you've got to have one Cause it's cause. It's if you want to be exceptional. It's too hard.

Speaker 3 22:40

It's too hard to not have a consistent plan and and it's too easy to do what you normally do every day. A hundred percent so the hard part is you know what COVID did for us. Covid taught us that we can be manipulated and moved like that. When someone makes a decision for us, we just let the government do it. Why can't we do it for ourselves?

Speaker 1 22:58

Well, I want to touch on that too, because in the book you talked about and that isolation, and you had the isolation of COVID. And then obviously I do want to touch on your trip to the desert, because that's wild, but I thought that COVID taught you that that isolation was actually what you needed, to really get deep and look in that mirror. And you know, you said another thing that I've heard for so many great coaches I've had in my life, like it's what you're doing when people aren't looking right, because that ties so closely to the person in the mirror and what's going on and that's so important. So talk a little bit about that. How did that isolation really get you? Because I feel like that's what cracked. So talk a little bit about that. Like that, how did that isolation really? Because I feel like that's what cracked the code for you, maybe the impetus. So for blake, blake's.

Speaker 3 23:43

so here's what I need you to understand is like, when the decision was made, guys, the synchronicities came in place because they knew and it tests you are you interested or you committed? Are you interested or committed? What's the difference? If you're interested, all the stories you're going to get in the way, you're going to quit. If you're committed, it doesn't matter what comes your way. So that year, as the time was unfolding, with my life coach and he went on this journey. It's basically a rites of passage. You know what a rites of passage is, blake? Yeah, okay. So basically in a nutshell for the viewers is in the old days that say, you know, in the old indian days, or native americans, or even jesus christ, they go on these long journeys we're not pc.

Speaker 3 24:19

You can say whatever they're going long journeys to find themselves kings. Did this to become kings? Yeah, find themselves in solitude and in fasting yep, okay and discomfort and what it does is it.

Speaker 3 24:32

Is it either you're going to break down, you're going to die, right? Those are your choices. So in my journey, my life coach had just gone, came from something like this and he comes back. He goes hey, I have something for you. I did this trip and he just said what it was and I was already in. You have to understand. I visualized this trip since I was five years old. This thing that was coming my way it's not wasn't out of like. I dreamt about doing something like this since I was five years old so when he mentioned it, did it like resonate with you already all he said was I won on this trip.

Speaker 3 25:01

It was isolation. I found myself. I'm like I'm in. I didn't even ask more questions, so I ended up signing for this. Basically what it is. It's very organized.

Speaker 3 25:09

You're gonna go to death valley with other men and here's the story behind. The story is, two weeks before we're going to the desert, I broke my leg. I had a bike and I dropped my bike and literally snapped my leg. Okay, and I just remember my. My journey is in two weeks to the desert.

Speaker 3 25:27

So I called the guides and the main guy and we had a conversation. He's like well, we've, dude, I think you're undervaluing what we're doing here. Like, you're going to be in the middle of the desert, death Valley. You're going to be fasting for four and a half days. We can't help you. This is hard for most men. How the fuck are you going to do this? I'm like I don't know. I'm going to go. He's like well, we're going to have a vote, no worries. So we had a vote and I told him if anybody says, one person says no, I'm not going, right, I don't want to take from them. So we all had a vote and then everybody's like no, we want you to go, so they voted me in now they they had forged somewhat of a relationship over zoom calls and things like that.

Speaker 1 26:03

Like this is during covid this is 2021, this is 2020.

Speaker 3 26:05

Okay august, 20 august to october 2020. So the heart of it, the heart of it. So then, so then, what's happening is is the? So the date that the week before I go on this journey again, you have to understand I've never been, I don't camp, I've never camped in my life, I'm a city boy.

Speaker 2 26:23

Yeah.

Speaker 3 26:23

And so now I don't even know what this is. So we had this backpack with crutches and I had to go to slide park to do one day, a one day kind of like orientation right, just to, just to get ready for it.

Speaker 3 26:33

I didn't last more than 30 minutes there and as I'm going up, before I'm packing my thing, I fall. I'm falling. How am I going to do this? So I show up to this place on crutches and it was a one to two mile hike into the middle of a desert and it was the hardest thing I did so to enter.

Speaker 3 26:55

What dan was referring to is what this thing did. Is it allowed me by myself to, physically and but the mental part was so hard. You understand, I was one of the oldest guys there's. I was 48. All the guys were your, your age or younger, and I'm this old guy. But I'm on crutches, I want to compete, I want that competitiveness and all I can do is sit and watch. Now I had to truck all my stuff in with the backpack on at my own pace, carry my own water, do my own thing, but the isolation, what happened was was we're in there for four and a half days where we're fasting. Those four and a half days is where I found myself, because what happened was it wasn't the fasting that was hard, it was the aloneness. I hated being by myself.

Speaker 1 27:41

Well, especially in today's age the ability to connect to someone or something and to have it.

Speaker 1 27:48

And like I remember, immediately when COVID hit, like I couldn't wait. I was. It was my excuse to get back on a zoom call and reconnect with my buddies who I played baseball in college with, who I probably haven't seen, I hadn't seen in 15 years. I was so excited for that. Like it was the excuse for us to finally connect. Like you're going the opposite direction, like it's, I'm like, I'm seeking isolation. Yeah, you're like nope I don't want it.

Speaker 3 28:08

And the thing about the one thing about the desert. What I tell people is I know why men like lose it and they want to just escape. It was so peaceful. There's just silence has a buzz to it. I remember just sitting there like I don't have to worry about food or just water a little bit, but I don't take care of anybody. There was this comfort of like oh my God, I can see this. How this works. I just got to live.

Speaker 1 28:33

So what did? What did? What did you didn't touch too much on this in the book. What did you do? For? I mean, you're awake for a question 12 to 16 hours a day, I'm guessing, in the desert by yourself. Yeah, I mean are you, and you're on a freaking broken stick, so are you cruising around a little?

Speaker 3 28:48

bit. So the story behind the story is all these guys can cruise around. I'm watching them. I I'm on this cliff because that's as far as I can go. I had to find my own spot, so I'm stuck.

Speaker 2 28:56

I literally sat there and are you like, do you get your own shade or anything like? Can you make your?

Speaker 3 29:04

I had to find my own shade. So when I found the spot, I went to where, where I saw the mountain, where, okay, by three o'clock, over the shade there and I literally just sit. That's why it was so. Oh, actually, I'll tell you what I did. I woke up on tuesday morning and I started writing poems like I don't write poems, my all, but all this stuff started. I started seeing flowers, different. I started seeing.

Speaker 1 29:23

I was so tuesday morning, that's like day two that's the day, one that's the first morning, first morning okay, I'm 38 minutes in all.

Speaker 2 29:31

Of a sudden I wrote a cookbook and uh, he's play-doh.

Speaker 3 29:35

But next morning I'm like I wake up and the flowers are different, the sun's different and I called a whole new perspective, a whole new perspective of the desert. I used to hate the heat, but that next morning I'm like, wow, you know, what happened for me is I accepted. This was home. Stop fighting it. This wasn't the desert. It was like I'm going to be here for as long as I am. This is reality, my reality.

Speaker 3 29:59

That's the biggest thing I've learned. I learned how to be in the reality of the moment and this is where I learned how to be present. I learned so much from that because I'm just sitting there, so all I'm doing, I'm just sitting there the whole time. But here's the epiphany of the whole week we had to do our own service. In other words, when you go to the desert, it's about right, it's about, it's about right, pastor is about um, uh, going with the old and with the new. So you have to die to live. I had to do my own funeral, my own eulogy oh wow, on wednesday morning I put that in the book.

Speaker 3 30:32

But I didn't put in the book. But so here's god, I got the chills. I can see it in the book. But so here's God, I got the chills.

Speaker 2 30:37

I can see it in you, man.

Speaker 3 30:44

Yeah, you have to understand the, the depth of the Blake doesn't know this, but the depth of the hurt that my family's been through. So you don't know this. But there's been murder, there's been rape, incest, incarceration, with three levels of people in my family, on both sides. I went to the desert to go fight them. The victim in me was why is this happening to me? Why me? So the power of the Wednesday is. When I woke up Tuesday, it was sunny, it was hot. When I woke up, it was cloudy and clouds were rolling in. It was like my ancestors came in to see me die.

Speaker 1 31:43

And as I wake up, and that's how you represent them with cloud and darkness, because there's just they weren't, they weren't light.

Speaker 3 31:50

They weren't there and it just there was. Just they, just they rolled in, they rolled in, they rolled in. I was like where is this coming from? And I crutched down to this area like, okay, I'm going to do my funeral here.

Speaker 2 32:00

And I swear to.

Speaker 3 32:01

God guys, I found a crown of thorns. I picked it up and I made this little on this rock. I sat it down and only seven people spoke at my funeral. That was really eye-opening for me. I had to apologize to everybody. I hurt Everybody. I had to own everything I did. So it was like this modern-day cleansing. Yeah, so it's like this modern day cleansing as I'm doing this. It's just stagnant, there's nothing.

Speaker 3 33:07

I finally get this download from my my dad's mom, who died in the streets, and my dad's brother who died in the streets, and my dad's brother who was murdered in front of him, and this gust of wind comes in and I just felt this peace and just like words were like thank you for listening to us. When I was done with that eulogy, I vowed that I would never talk ill of them again and that I honored that. They gave this responsibility to me to share what needed to be said. No one hurt our family, nobody hurt us, and I felt that they wanted me to now be the one to just come clean. So as I left, it was like this calmness. I do that. Remember the.

Speaker 2 34:21

remember the movie a force gun right, Lieutenant Dan when he's on the boat and he's screaming at God.

Speaker 3 34:26

Yeah, fuck you God. And he jumps in, yeah, and the next day he's calm. That was me.

Speaker 2 34:32

So you came. You came to that setting feeling like a victim. Well, if you had one word to describe when you left and you didn't feel like a victim, what'd you feel? Like victor, wow I felt victorious.

Journey to Authenticity and Compassion

Speaker 3 34:47

I felt like the idea is to go from a man to a boy, but from a warrior to a king. So I have have two tattoos the king putting a sword down. This tattoo is the desert scene.

Speaker 1 35:01

Those are posts.

Speaker 3 35:05

So I came back feeling like I don't need to slay you anymore. I don't need to slay you with my words. I need to be able to tell my story with my words. I need to be able to tell my story with my words.

Speaker 2 35:16

Sound like you came back and you were ready to focus on your life instead of lashing out every everything else. That's it.

Speaker 3 35:22

Yeah, I came back at the time too, but you don't know this, but my kids weren't talking to me. There's a lot of stuff. I'll let you read the book, but no, no, I was isolated, literally isolated in life, and me do is like okay, go be the. This is where I learned for myself go be the best, you be the very best, you. Everything that keeps ailing, you fucking get rid of it. Yep, set it down. That's and what. And here's what you're saying. I have is follow your passion as far as it'll take you, as long as it'll take you, with as much excitement as you can, with zero expectations of anything that you want in life yeah, I I love that last part.

Speaker 3 35:56

I came back not expecting my kids to be in my life. I just came back like the man you're going to see is going to be different, not by his words, but by his actions.

Speaker 2 36:07

And that you know to me like the word that's ringing true and when you start saying those things, count them off your fingers.

Speaker 2 36:12

You're genuine, right? That's what I think the definition of genuine is to me is you go, you do the things you want to do because you know they're the right things to do. You do them because you want to do them, not because other people are going to give you something and you have no expectation, right? And I would say you know, in a much less meaningful way, you talk about success in these arenas of business tied to real estate or owning a business or anything, and I think that I found that in my own life, the times when I was willing to, I'm going to give it everything I got and I it's not about the destination, it's going to be about the journey and I'm going to know, man, you know what the chips are going to fall where they may, but that's always been amazing how that kind of works out when you really have no expectation, and that would go.

Speaker 2 36:55

That would also go for relationships, uh, partnerships in business. I was thinking today actually about like somebody that I met with, somebody that Dan and I both know in this industry, and I left feeling like man, this person that works well, but what they really do is they just live their life Genuine, like they're a genuinely attractive person, because there's just a cool person they mean well, they do what they say they're going to do and I was like man.

Speaker 2 37:19

you know, outside of networking events, this person is just networked into a community because they're a good person doing the right things for the right reasons, and it sounds like that's kind of. Who came back from the desert, is a guy that yearned for the opportunity to take control of your own life and you know you said it too in different words is you went out there a victim and victims are, you know, as somebody else's will.

Speaker 2 37:40

Pointing fingers, palms up you come back a victor and you're in charge right, because it's not about the result, it's about the action, and I love that.

Speaker 3 37:47

One word I will tell you. So this, this new, we'll call it the good woke, the woke, the awareness we're talking about. The one thing that the men this is what I learned also for myself is community was so important, like what we're talking now, guys, like I love what you're doing here, because this is needed and men need. Community is this is the first time in my life that I had other men see me as well yeah but the one word they kept ringing in my ear, that they kept putting in my face compassion.

Speaker 3 38:17

Albert, have more compassion for yourself. I had no idea what that?

Speaker 3 38:19

meant, honestly, didn't know what that meant up until four years ago. The word compassion, if you break it down in its entirety, really means with suffering. The definition means with suffering. You have sympathy empathy those are different sympathies and understanding. Empathy is kind of a understanding with a little bit of emotion. Compassion is, for example, let's say, god forbid you have a cat and the cat passed away. You're like dude. I'm so sorry, dude, you have an understanding, compassion for your loss. I never had that for myself. So when the men brought that to my attention, I remember come back. Coming back with a sense of the compassion allowed me to break down the belief system in my own self that I was worthy enough, that I am okay to have these feelings, that it's okay to talk about this stuff. Because the walls used to be up, because if I showed you any of my weaknesses you think I'm a pussy or my vulnerable. And now now I got.

Speaker 3 39:20

now I gotta, I gotta, I gotta own it. What I've learned is this is the biggest lesson I've learned the more pain threshold that I go lower, the more peace I find. I agree, because what happens is that pain is just a level of misunderstanding or belief that you're holding on to, and that me, as a man, if I have let's say, for example, we have a governor on a bus right let's say, your love ability is a 70% because you have a governor, you can't give more than 60% to your family. So how do you get to that 80, 90%? You have to get deeper understanding of what's causing that cap.

Speaker 3 40:01

That's what I did. I just unlocked it all and I'm like, look, and when you said it, I use the word authenticity. Authenticity is the truest, highest frequency you can have. I just became so authentic to not my truth, which is my story. Authentic to not my truth, which is my story, the truth which is facts. When I got down to the facts of, yes, that happened in my life, yes, this happened, but as my responsibility to fix me, that truth unlocks so many other layers of where that victim couldn't live anymore.

Speaker 2 40:32

Well, it sounds like two men came back from the desert. Man, really I'm getting this image of one guy goes out there a victim, broken, pissed off, mad, buried, you know all this shit down deep. And then another man comes back with him from the desert and says to the first guy like I see you, man, and you're right, and you are hurt and you're broken. But the second man, we're going to do something about it. Like you're, you're right, you're not wrong, I love you. Here's the hug, but we, we have some work to do and I love that image a little bit of you know, two guys came back from the, from the desert this is, uh, this question just popped in my head and and it's it's a pretty blunt question, but when was the last time you were embarrassed?

Speaker 3 41:17

uh, a little slide about two years ago was actually a funny embarrassed. So I'm in front of these men, I went to this retreat and it was. It was about team building Okay For men. And when we were, when we were all getting our evaluations from the men, they gave you feedback and the main feedback was Albert, you're so passionate and you're kind of over the edge, you're kind of too edgy for us. I laughed.

Speaker 2 41:43

I was embarrassed because I was like do you know what they used to say about me. Yeah, this is the tone down.

Speaker 3 41:51

So I'll go, I'll take that. They all. They didn't understand, but I was embarrassed because I lived my life that way for so long. I was embarrassed, ashamed, guilty of of that. That. I felt embarrassed for how I used to show up. But an actual embarrassment of a person not very long.

Speaker 1 42:07

And the reason I asked the question is because I had a feeling it was going to be a while ago and I thought it would probably be in some time, either right before or right after the trip to the desert. But but what, um? What really jumps out is is is how much, much, like I said, I knew you when I was first getting started in this industry and you have completely taken your ego and set it aside, which is why we get embarrassed right. The skeletons in our closet, the people that find out the things about us that maybe aren't as sexy or as vogue or as flattering, aren't as sexy or as vogue or as flattering. So I just think it's insanely profound that you have that kind of perspective, especially coming from where you've come from. The book is called From Darkness to Redemption. No offense to you, but it's a simple read. It's really enjoyable.

Speaker 2 42:59

Dan loved the pictures. I read it to him on my lap last night. A warm cup of cocoa.

Speaker 1 43:06

Like I said, going into the reader.

Speaker 1 43:07

You're not a reader, you said I'm an audio book guy for the most part. I spend too much time in my car so I listen to the most, but you don't really get to plug into a book the way you would when you actually physically read it, versus hearing it transcribed, um, so I was actually really um. The takeaway for me was, when you know, you said, oh, I hadn't. You know, morgan wallen had, or morgan, uh, morgan freeman hadn't volunteered to read it on audio, on audiobook yet for you. So I actually had to. I had to actually read the book, um, but it was there. There really was. It was an eye-opening me. I mean. I remember texting you a couple of times at the end of chapters Holy shit, man, like this is wild, like I would have never known this.

Speaker 1 43:47

And that openness, that honesty and, like I said, the setting aside of the ego was was so cool branding and growing business and being authentic in that social media space. You know we get to pick and choose. You know, and the vast majority of us probably. You know I think that probably the more honest people probably still only put about 25% of the bad shit out there publicly and even that they're picking, picking and choosing what it is and how it's being worded. So I think I think it's wild man. I love it the transparency, the honesty but it resonates again with so many of the solid lessons that you hear and you hope that you know.

Speaker 1 44:30

I tell my kids all the time when I'm going to tell them something important, I go hey, put your right finger in your right ear because I'm about to say something and I don't want it to go in one ear and out the other fucking ear, like I want it to stay in and I don't want it to go in one ear and out the other fucking ear, like I want it to stay in Right, so don't don't tune that out on this one.

Speaker 2 44:45

When we talk about that often on this show, directly and indirectly, real estate not not that other businesses aren't, but real estate is a facade. It is a facade with a lot of fake people and I don't mean to insult anybody that's listened to this, but the truth is we have folks that have been on the show that talk about imposter syndrome, successful people year over year in terms of relationship numbers, stats that feel like man, I'm a shell of a person. It's a house of cards. It's all going to fall apart. I got to show up in the same way every day and I just feel like I hope that that breaks down. Man, I hope I hope Instagram does somewhere like the phone just secretly recording you all year and at the end of the year you know like it does. You know like how Spotify does your your top songs for the year.

Speaker 1 45:34

It just it like puts all your shit on blast at the end of the year and just kind of the old facebook memories were great, right, I mean, I still look forward to every now and then my, some of my kids will pop up. I'm like holy cow man, like that was. That was not that long ago, but it was also forever ago. Um, you know, we talk. I talk about all the time like I got a daughter who's going into high school, I got a fifth grader and people say like I just can't stop thinking about this. Lately people tell you how fast time goes when you have kids and when you're in the moment it's not that fast. There there are months that feel like years, there are days that feel like months, and then you look back and you're like, holy shit, that was yesterday, when it was 10 years ago, and it's one of those things that you're just becoming so profoundly aware of. There is no explaining it.

Speaker 3 46:18

There's absolutely no explaining that sense one of the things I want to, I want to bring up damn you brought up is the ego thing. So I have a, I have a saying now, okay, what really helped me was really leaning into. We talk about this consciousness we have. We all wake up with that person that whispers what's supposed to do? Right, you gotta do this. It's a whisper, it's not a, it's not a loud, but it's a whisper. Damn, you gotta drop that. You gotta stop doing that. Right, it tells you. And then your ego is loud, it's the obnoxious one. It makes you feel as guilty. Your higher conscience, in my opinion, is god, god talking to you.

Speaker 3 46:54

Your ego is edging, god out yeah, thinking you know better it's edging, god out, right, right, and so what I've had to really learn is is even with my kids. So how old are your kids, by the way, dan?

Rebuilding Relationships Through Authenticity

Speaker 1 47:07

14 and 11,.

Speaker 3 47:08

You have kids seven, five and two, so I'm going to fast forward. I'm a time full for you guys. When they're adults, there's a different. I might have minor 29, 25 and 22, right, 25 and 22 right is what I. What I got to do from this experience is, instead of being dad, father, I'm just a human being with information and knowledge that could help them. Yeah, perspective, call it right the conversations I'm having with my. Why ego is so good and bad? Ego is there to protect us and it's there to be there, to coddle us at times, but sometimes you got to say I don't need you. Today, ego, I got something else in plan, right. It's allowed me to have conversations with my kids now as adults, like, yes, I'm your dad, but let me tell you what I did when I was raised. Yeah, I'm your dad, but let me tell you from my experience what I did something, what you did. For example, my daughter and I Kaylee, she's 22.

Speaker 1 48:04

That's my daughter's name, is it? Yeah, how do you spell it? K-a-l-e-i-g-h.

Speaker 3 48:09

K-A-Y-L-E-I G. It's pretty close. Anyways, we had a falling out in 2019 because of this incident in the book and I'm going to show this on purpose, because I blamed her for a lot of what was going on, because she was 16 and I could blame her and when all this stuff happened, she didn't talk to me for about a year and we started working on a relationship. I remember we were working on it. She's like are you ready to talk? Yet I go why it's your fault. She's like fuck you Right, we're not talking. So it was. Dad was still holding on and that's a huge.

Speaker 1 48:45

That was a step back right, yeah you're like oh shit, I'm seeing, I'm seeing the retreat, I'm seeing more distance, know it though I didn't.

Speaker 3 48:51

I was just like no. My ego was like no, oh, you weren't you weren't ready, no accountability, yeah.

Speaker 3 48:57

So then fast forward. This is how the universe works and this is where it tests you whether you're really doing what you're saying you're going to do. And I test you. I put the rubber to the road. So last year, my daughter, uh, graduates from college and our relationship is really good. Out of a 10, it's about an 8.5. We're just excelling. And I'm going to take her. Um, she's moving to florida. I'm going to fly her out there and we have a company. We were sitting down in a restaurant and we're sitting on it and I just feel it. I just feel it. I'm just. I'm just my ego, I'm just like I'm so calm I am now and she's sitting across from me.

Speaker 1 49:35

She's, she knows you know right, I go I sure do.

Speaker 3 49:41

She's 22. I go. What's on your mind, sweetheart? She goes I just want you to own it, dad. Own what someone ought to be, you know what. So you're talking about the incident, xyz. She goes. Yeah, I go, sweetheart, it's all my fault. You did nothing wrong. I put you in that situation. I caused the chaos in your life. I allowed that to happen.

Speaker 3 50:13

I was an irresponsible dad to you and they didn't protect you nothing you did was your fault, that that wouldn't have happened If your dad wasn't an asshole, got thrown in jail. None of that. That conversation took three and a half years to happen Was a 10 minute conversation. Yeah and I go. Is there anything else?

Speaker 2 50:35

Is that no? And how many hours did you think about that conversation? Hours, hundreds.

Speaker 3 50:41

Hundreds, thousands.

Speaker 1 50:42

Well, because Every conversation, Every conversation with your daughter. It was in the back of your head, I'm sure.

Speaker 3 50:47

Thank you, dan, she asked me, and what I love about this experience Guilt is some heavy shit, right Is when you this is where we talk about authenticity and truth when you can really be honest with who you are and how you're showing up, the right words will come out. When you're not, you'll keep hiding and you'll keep blaming and complaining. I think that once I did that what it did for me, though it allowed me to trust myself even more, not overconfident, but, man like I just built a huge win, because that was a nemesis that I was. I was a competition I was afraid of, yet when it happened, I was prepared.

Speaker 1 51:31

So this whole time, guy, and it didn't kill you, yeah, I'm alive the amount of the amount of weight off your shoulders to just have it out in the open. And having said it, having having owned it, and I'm guessing I can only imagine like what her body language on the other side of that table did Did she straighten up, did she uncross her arms? Did she smile?

Speaker 3 51:49

Did she cry All these things right?

Speaker 1 51:51

Like wild, so wild.

Embracing Accountability and Self-Improvement

Speaker 3 51:54

And then think about this is again where the trust comes in. Is you again where the trust comes in? Is you know? Trust is truth, right, and I believe she talked to her mom about that afterwards. Her mom and I are together. She's remarried. I believe she talked about her brothers and sisters about that, right. So there's more that came out of that than just the conversation. It's actual proof in the pudding that a conversation with her dad butterfly effect.

Speaker 1 52:19

Right, absolutely those ripplesipples. Yeah, and you don't.

Speaker 2 52:21

I mean just to bring this full circle back to what you said earlier is like you sat there, you owned it, you didn't know how it was going to be received, sound like you didn't really focus on the outcome. You didn't say I got to do this so we can heal. You said I got to do this because it's the right thing to do, and then life moves on right. You can't, you continue and and it sounds like a lot of times the right thing ends up happening well, it's such a massive, such a massive point and your your situation was was terrible, right.

Speaker 1 52:52

I mean it's a worst case scenario. Your 16 year old daughter watched you get arrested right like literally watched you get put, and I think you were half naked right I was like and tony's in a rope, yeah so you know humiliation, yeah, and I tie this back.

Speaker 1 53:08

I was having a conversation with with my daughter last night in regards to to some some volleyball stuff and it was like, hey, like sometimes you just gotta own it. Like there were some rough parts and some other players didn't step up and didn't do their part. I said but at the end of the day, like you're a captain, like you're someone they look to, if you can't own up to your shortcomings and I said, look, there's no jury, there's no executioner. Like the only thing that comes from this is learning and getting better. But if you can't own it, then it's not always there. If there's fault, there's always probably going to be some personal fault, even if that personal fault is just being in that environment. For that to take place, ultimate accountability is just that. One thing I wanted to touch on and I'm saying I'm kind of jumping around here, but I didn't want to lose this thought was when you talk about, like getting out of bed and that voice in your head like does it ultimately kind of always come down to the choices you make?

Speaker 2 54:09

Yeah, Doing things you do right do wrong.

Speaker 1 54:10

Do this, don't do that. Um, oh, you know, as simple as okay. Arms going off. It's 5am.

Speaker 3 54:22

Am off. It's 5 am. Am I going to the gym this morning? Yeah, that's a great question. So I'll touch on a touch on how that applies to sobriety. I've been sober yeah, I wanted to ask about that two years, as I talked about I'll get to your question in a minute but I just talked about sobriety.

Speaker 3 54:32

That was the last thing for me to get rid of. What I'm telling men, and just men in general, like if you have 10 things that are that are your, your weaknesses, you can't go to the very, very beast. It'll crush you, but you can get a limit. You can go get rid of the little things. Say, for example, you have a trouble, trouble sleeping in Boom, let's address that. Let's just work on that one thing.

Speaker 3 54:54

Or maybe there's build a habit yeah, build wins, build daily wins, right, and or maybe and maybe you have a problem with people pleasing to say, yeah, babe, I'll do that. You never do that. There's little little idiosyncrasies that you do. I had to get to a point where all these other things were gone and now my whole focus was this so, going back to getting out of bed or whatever, how I associate alcohol, not drinking alcohol now is that I've done so much work in not drinking it that if I were to drink that, let's say this is alcohol right here. If I were to drink that, it's not the alcohol it's now. I've got to take 15 steps back.

Speaker 1 55:33

And I've got to take 15 steps back. It's been two years and I've got to deal with the regret.

Speaker 3 55:35

24 months, the regret. And now this represents the old Albert. I never want to be him, so I've objectified it. Now, yeah, I'll drink water, I'll drink coffee, but I'll never drink alcohol, because that represents the old me who I never want to be. That habit was built by me. When I'm in bed, alarm glove goes off, whatever I want to sleep in, I'm like, oh, you're gonna be him again. Huh, you're gonna be him again, huh, okay. And then I'm like, no, so then I get up and take a cold shower. I take a cold shower in the morning every morning. I love it because it wakes me up and now it gets me ready. So but but the hard part, guys, is is I've talked to just so many people is, if you don't again know what you're burning, why and why you're doing it, your feelings, your stories will get so consumed that you'll find a reason to procrastinate one more day as opposed to like I have to do it.

Speaker 2 56:32

Just focus on just right yeah, just do it right now.

Speaker 3 56:35

Yeah, that's been the biggest shift for me to really understand myself. And then what happens, though? People see the byproduct now, right, why I look like that? Oh, you know, I'm like I gotta show you like this is who I fucking look like, and this is what I was at yeah and then oh.

Speaker 3 56:50

But they see the end result and I'm telling people like you don't know what your end result is. It's not going to be two months, it's not. It could be five years, it could be 10 years. Are you willing to go through the pain and suffering, how long it takes, no matter how long, with the much enthusiasm knowing you have to do this, regardless of the results you're looking for? You got to shelf the results.

Speaker 2 57:12

I don't know if you guys listen to Ed Milet at all. I'm kind of a junkie, but he's got the book the power of one more, which, if you know, you're going to read two books this year. Obviously you read Albert's book and then go read Ed's. They've kind of probably about the same in sales, I'm sure. But you know, in that book and honestly it's a fantastic book is you know, his dad struggled mightily with alcohol and um, when he went to go get sober, you know ed asked him he goes, dad, like are you gonna be able to do this for for the rest of your life? You're gonna be like I can't believe that he goes. I can't tell you that, ed. I can tell you that today I'm not gonna drink and then tomorrow, no clue, I'll see when we get there and he goes. And he did that for the rest of his life.

Speaker 2 57:54

And I came over 30, 40 something years and that is a testament to a different thought process behind consistency. It's like the times in my personal life when I've been the fittest, the best you know, priming along, just taking cold showers. There's one point in my life I didn't take like a, I didn't let hot water touch my body for a hundred days and it and it never felt. It never got really easier, never felt good, never wanted to do it. Don't like that alarm clock going off, but the strongest I've ever felt in my life is that the one thing I could say.

Speaker 3 58:26

I did was I did the things. I didn't feel like doing that one thing it was I.

Mental Toughness and Sobriety

Speaker 2 58:28

It never felt like. And I think the fallacy is people that are not successful look through successful people and say, oh well, they, you know, they got it all mastered now I could never get there. But those same people would say the Jock Wilmix, the, you know, you can say whatever you want to say about Lance Armstrong. All those people like they're like it sucks, david Goggins, he goes, I'm lazy as shit, it sucks, but I go and I do it because I said I was going to do it, because I know I'm going to do it and because I already. You know David Goggins also talks about I already made that better. Kobe used to say that like I already wrote that contract with myself. So it's not. I don't even think about it. The alarm goes off. I have to get up. I already made the deal with myself.

Speaker 1 59:05

Well it comes down. I think so much. What it comes down to is mental toughness, and to be mentally tough you have to consistently try yourself. You're going to lose and you're going to have to learn what losing is. It's going to have to ultimately suck or hurt so bad to lose that you're not willing to do it anymore. You talked about your 108 hot water thing, going through two years of sobriety.

Speaker 1 59:30

My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor told him you need to quit. Quit smoking cigarettes. He smoked two packs a day for probably 30 years. He came home one day he tore his he. He broke every cigarette in his pack of box of marlboro reds and never touched another cigarette in his life. And my dad and I have conversations about that and I'm just it's so striking to me. I go because all that took was mental toughness and discipline. It's super easy If there's a bottle of fireball on my desk right over there and I could put it in front of you and you have a choice and I bet you 23 months ago the choice would have been a lot harder than it is now to say no, and that's because of the conditioning of your mental toughness and your mental discipline and it's commemorable. I think it's incredible, so let me.

Speaker 3 1:00:19

I'll fast forward a little before you guys time fold again, okay, so I get the privilege now of being this father to my kids, my son's 25. He's exactly like me Like dead on Traits, people pleasing all these things. We did our podcast podcast. I speak about alcoholism, vices and sobriety and him and I've got to a point where he didn't talk to me for two years is he sober?

Speaker 3 1:00:43

no, we're over that minute here. But what I brought up was I brought the topic up because we're taught we talk real. We're talking like we're talking, now we get to ask questions. We don't have this typical father-son relationship. It's like we're talking, now we get to ask questions. We don't have this typical father-son relationship. It's like we're bros. But I'm his dad because by nature and the conversation we have was this is I asked him. I couldn't ask you a question. He's like yeah, I go, so you don't drink around, mom, because back up his best friend got married this weekend. He was in town two weeks ago. They partied and I go, I have a question for you.

Speaker 3 1:01:11

I go because he says you, he doesn't drink a lot. I go, you don't drink around me.

Speaker 3 1:01:14

You don't drink around mom. He's a realtor. He doesn't drink much around realtors in LA, he doesn't drink around his sphere, but with his boys he drinks. And I said have you looked at that before? He looked at me and he was like I go because I know what you're going through. I. He looked at me and he was like I go because I know what you're going through. I was the same way.

Speaker 3 1:01:37

My boys say you're a pussy, stop doing this. You're doing that. Have you noticed that you only drink around your boys? What is that all about? Because you're very disciplined around everything else and he got super emotional. He's like dad, I never thought about it. I go. I can't tell you what to do, I'm just letting you know.

Speaker 3 1:01:53

You have your grandfather who is an alcoholic. Your dad is an alcoholic. You have aunts that you know are alcoholics. You know this thing is in our family and you're going to be a dad someday. You get to choose how you want to live your life. It's going to rear its ugly head at some point in time. I'm just giving you a vision and want to put in front of you why do you think you only drink in front of your boys. He got like the show stopped. Yeah, because it wasn't. I didn't want to. All I wanted to do is bring the truth and let him figure it out, because each man has their own decision. We have a chance and a choice every day to make your own decision. One chance and one choice to change our life every day. But after the show, him and I had a separate conversation and he's like thank you for bringing that up. I never saw that and I go just know sobriety is not conditional.

Speaker 1 1:02:57

Or easy.

Speaker 2 1:02:58

No.

Speaker 3 1:02:58

Yeah, and I said and you get to choose, bro, you get to choose. And I go. I'm sorry. I told him I apologize, I'm sorry that I brought alcohol into your life because I wasn't responsible, strong enough to know that it was going to be my biggest weakness. And now you get to deal with it. But that's your thing, you got to deal with. So, having these conversations, I'm telling you, you guys get to a point where your kids aren't just kids anymore, they're. You get to give them a blueprint of what they can do better, what their par level is opposed to where your par level was yeah, isn't that amazing.

Speaker 2 1:03:34

So so, on that same point, like they don't have to hit rock bottom just because you did Right. No, and that's that's what you're saying now is like you're getting a chance to, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like you're having an opportunity as this grown man it's. It's put in all this work, father, now, at the time that you have now, instead of focusing on the time that you had to provide the things that maybe you didn't in the past but you still can. Like your journey's not over there as a father, and that's that's awesome.

Speaker 2 1:04:02

I've actually personally been sober since the beginning of this year and I I didn't have a rock bottom moment and I don't know that I'll be sober forever. But for me, I chose, you know, I I uh pretty busy life for those of you know, and stressful, and I just noticed that, like when I drank, I was not as nice a person and I had enough. You know I don't have a perfect marriage. I don't have. I have plenty of stressors.

Speaker 2 1:04:24

I have a lot of other things going on and I just recognized in myself you've got so much shit on your plate that you need to kind of clean some things up because you just you know you can't have, you can't afford that. Somebody else might be able to, but like right now, at least in your life, you can't add that one more thing on that, like lack of innovation or ability to like give into your emotions, or all the things that we know when we drink. And so for me it was the exact same thing, like I'm just not going to drink tomorrow and I'm just going to kind of keep that rolling. And now, believe me, man, it's getting warm out.

Speaker 3 1:04:56

We got a lot of great breweries around here.

Speaker 2 1:04:58

I went on a date with my wife the other night. She had a glass of wine, we had this nice piece of steak, um, but to me then, the same way that you just looked at that Starbucks cup, I said I've kind of it's not even it Like that. One thing I try to remember, like why did I start, why did I choose to do this? Why am I four and a half months into this now? And is this one drink like on this cold day or in this hot day? Is it going to really make up for everything that I maybe be giving myself some leeway and some padding on?

Speaker 3 1:05:30

Here's one thing that I'm going to give you a lot of credit for, and this is where the the, the soapbox I'm on now is us as men. Okay, I'll tell you, I've surveyed a lot of women, hundreds of women. Do you know the two things that they want from their men? Abs and pecs.

Speaker 2 1:05:48

Back and buys. I don't know the relationship, what?

Speaker 3 1:05:50

are two things that women want from their men.

Speaker 1 1:05:54

Security Honesty, honesty.

Speaker 3 1:05:57

Okay, safety and security. And there's one more Self-awareness To be led by their man, to be led Lead. Safety and security. So, if safety and security is what they want, how can not you, how can a man go out and party like his wife and fuckery? Yeah, there's, there's this I had to come to grips with. How can I be safe and secure and lead when I'm having as much? Now, girls want to have fun, cindy lauper. Girls want to have fun, go off. But I believe men have responsibility. I'm so adamant about this. We have a responsibility to be dutiful, responsible, respectable, safe, vulnerable, controlled men. When we're getting inebriated, we're not controlled yeah, and it's fun.

Speaker 2 1:06:42

Believe me, I, I love getting drunk.

Speaker 3 1:06:44

I love and I'm a fun challenge is when you're with your spouse or family. They see that. I'll give you another story real quick. This is really powerful.

Speaker 3 1:06:51

My son-in-law is 29 and, um, he and I didn't have a good relationship for a while because of the backstory, but about a year ago he came to me because he was he's smoking weed a lot. He's been smoking weed since he was 16 years old and I asked him he seemed how much. He saw me fall, he saw me get up. He's married to my daughter and, um, he goes. Well, it makes me feel in control. I get you know I'm stressed, so he goes all the. It makes me feel in control. I get you know I'm stressed, so he goes all the things that weed does, okay, and he has a two-year-old at the time I go.

Speaker 3 1:07:21

So when Brielle's 13 years old, I want you to fast forward and you find a vape in her room, how are you going to react? I'm probably going to be pissed at her, of course. What else I thought I was aching on? What else I'm going to tell her she can't do that? Okay, but what if she says daddy, it makes me feel calm, just like weed makes you feel calm. What are you going to say to her oh, I'm 21. You can do it.

Fostering Respect and Genuine Connections

Speaker 3 1:07:49

No, you mean a fucking hypocrite. I told him you, your habits. Yeah, you're teaching her how to cope with her problems. You're leading her a direction that's not good for her and I guarantee you my daughter doesn't respect you because she can't trust you can handle stress when it gets really stressful. You're going to go to the joint truth. Yeah, you looked at me. He's like I never thought about that. I go, I know you haven't. I'm telling you your dad, you're married. I didn't know this, michael, I didn't know. This is I'm giving you information that I'm learning that I wish I had that. If you, you are the leader of the house and your daughter sees you and your wife sees you, they'll tolerate you, but they'll never respect you.

Speaker 3 1:08:38

And men want to be respected and feel capable and appreciated.

Speaker 2 1:08:42

And people want to risk, people want to be around people they respect. Right, you talked about something earlier about being genuine, and one of the things that I've, you know, as I've grown a little older, I would say I'm not old enough to be wise in any way yet, but closer to wisdom in a few things is, even if I don't agree with somebody, especially another man, if he'll step up in a respectable way, hold his ground, even keel temperament and kind of speak his case or walk his walk. I cannot like him, I cannot like agree with him, but I can say, you know, it's like ron burgundy, god damn, I respect you, you know and I really do. And there's a, there's a way in which I think powerful men look at each other that way and say, like you know what, dude, we're not, we're not covering the same cloth. But you know, kind of game, game recognizes game, a little bit like I respect you, my, my hat's off to you.

Speaker 3 1:09:32

We're the opponent so he's been sober since wow he hasn't had oh, really wow he decided to go to chp academy. He's in now, in line to graduate in july oh, it's incredible he one month after that conversation. He called me. He goes, dude, I'm one month in thank you I go. Thank you, yeah, for receiving what I said and understanding I'm coming from pure love, which is true, the truth. I want you to be the best man for your family and your wife he quit cold turkey and isn't that kind of interesting too?

Speaker 2 1:10:08

right, because I would say we're all like alpha men.

Speaker 2 1:10:10

I think that's fair to say that when another man and this is pretty cool just to have you guys here can have these kind of conversations. But you said something really cool out of love, not like yo don't be a bitch man, or like I'm going to tell you what you should do because I know best, but to say like I love you, man, but I'm going to and I have friends like that in my life. I'm very grateful for I've had them in the fire department and just in the community they can say, hey, man, I just want you to know I love you, but you could do this different. Or I see this in you and that's powerful, right.

Speaker 2 1:10:43

When someone comes to you out of love because that ego and I have a huge one man it builds up those walls so fast. When they start opening their mouth under the guise of, hey, dude, I know better or I'm a I'm going to be hypocritical here but when they really truly come out of your love and hopefully everybody's listening to this has had somebody in their life that can come to them like that and speak truth to their life Cause I know people in my life that they don't have that or they're not approachable, like you know your son-in-law, like I can't hear anything you're saying so. It's pretty cool when you have the opportunity to have somebody lovingly speak to you and in that way they're helping you get out of your own way. By helping you break down, they check your ego for you.

Speaker 2 1:11:23

I love you, this is where I'm coming from and this is what I want you to know, because I love you and, again, I'm not going to expect you to do what I say. I just want you to know that if you choose to, then great, and that's what a gift that would be to have somebody speak to you in that way to give you the out, almost as a man, to be like I don't have to like combat them with my ego man. Do the awkward guy hug and you know they're like hey man, I really appreciate that. So I would advocate for men to have stronger relationships with other men and not every dude right, like dudes are just want to be dudes sometimes and hang out. But if you're a dude and you're listening to the show and you don't have someone like that in your life, I would look around and find the people that are already there and see if you can cultivate that for each other, cause that's a pretty powerful thing.

Legacy Building Podcast Journey

Speaker 1 1:12:06

And you're going to find them doing the things that you love to do. I think that's that. I think that's the big thing. Like you've got to have some common grounds, find some commonality. I mean, you know, if you're not into the church, don't go. Try and find your new best friend in the men's group. You know, like it's just not going to be authentic, it's not going to be real.

Speaker 2 1:12:31

You know if you're a fisherman.

Speaker 3 1:12:32

Find someone who likes to go fishing and you know, go do that. If you love to do coke, maybe try to find a different button you know, but yes, or go to diet coke.

Speaker 2 1:12:37

Well, this has been awesome, man, I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1 1:12:38

We do have one question that we ask everybody on the show, and it's dance, so I gotta let him do it all right, man, if you could be anybody for a day, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you do for that day?

Speaker 3 1:12:52

so the thing you probably have already seen there's two categories of people. You probably kind of think in your head already, I'm assuming.

Speaker 2 1:13:01

We've had some broad answers to this.

Speaker 3 1:13:04

Mine is Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 2 1:13:05

Really.

Speaker 3 1:13:07

Yeah, he's always been an idol because he spoke the truth. He went against. Think about that that time in life. He went against think about that that time in life. He not only did what was right, he did what was right for the country, but he also did what was right for humanity's sake.

Speaker 3 1:13:23

Now I know there's a bunch of politics, this, that and the other, but his heart, in my opinion, was we need to do this because this is the right thing. We need to emancipate, we need to stop these lines that have been drawn and we need to do this because this is the right thing. We need to emancipate, we need to stop these lines that have been drawn and we need to become together and to be in his presence for one day. Under that pressure, under the betrayal, under all the backstabbing, all the back conversations and you can see it him get weathered over the years, like especially during the civil war, but to I would have loved to see him one day walking with the troops the same as pictures of him with his troops and just walking in his presence, because he was such a tall man he was over six, six, I believe and dunk and and seeing the inspiration and the belief, because he was there and kind of witness, I would just say the just the ceremonial part of him being a leader who's taking action, his presence.

Speaker 2 1:14:31

Yeah, the presence.

Speaker 3 1:14:32

All about presence.

Speaker 2 1:14:34

I love it. Dude, this has been awesome. I feel like we can keep going hey, take a minute, man.

Speaker 1 1:14:38

So you say you mentioned you're getting your own podcast up and going plug it where can they? Work and we? Where can it be found? How can um, how can people connect with you?

Speaker 3 1:14:46

um yeah, so thank you. So this journey has been really interesting. Um, again, with the story of my son, he came to me, him and I went on our first father-son trip ever last year. Wow, we went to San Diego. So, irony of that, I wrote my book last May, wrote it in 30 days.

Speaker 3 1:15:07

During this period I was really writing it and I called him up. I go hey, listen, I'm going to write this book. And he's like cool man, I've been waiting for you to write it. I go, but I need your help. I want you to be my accountability partner. He's like all right, what does that mean? I go, I have to get it done in 30 days before to go to San Diego, or I owe you 500 bucks. He's like bet, yeah, easy. So I go, just the book needs to be done.

Father-Son Legacy Project on Instagram

Speaker 3 1:15:31

We went to San Diego, we got to chill, but from our experiences together, him and I got to build this bond in San Diego. And he comes to me. He's like dad, I got an idea how about we share our story with everybody Fathers and sons, sons and fathers, mothers and sons, mothers and daughters and why don't we start a podcast so we can share our growth together? I love that that was his idea. How cool was that as a dad? Oh my God. I looked at him and I was like he goes, we need to start building a legacy, dad. I was like no one's ever talked to me about that, like I didn't even know what that meant. So, to answer your question, I was A, I was super honored, but b I was like it's done, that pebbled in the pond yeah like it's this guy's gonna go to another level because he sees what he can build.

Speaker 3 1:16:26

We didn't know what it was gonna call, but we wanted to come together. So we got him and I got together in december and he brought it up again. He goes are you ready to do this? I'm like I'm ready, but you know I'm gonna come with fucking thunder and heat and I'm not holding back. Are you good with that? He's like let's fucking go. So we came up with a name. It's called the legacy project legacy project and right now what we have it?

Speaker 3 1:16:47

it's on instagram, okay, we do instagram lives at 6 30 pm every tuesday, okay, and we've had 16 episodes, or 15 episodes. And we've brought in relationship coach. We've brought in a fighter, mma fighter. We've brought in um a dating coach. We brought in I'm bringing in next week a gal who, who, um, lost her husband and her son to suicide within a month.

Speaker 3 1:17:10

And we're bringing these topics in to talk about fatherhood, masculinity, relationships, heartaches, failures, successes all the topics men don't really talk about. And we're just bringing the conversation, but two men who are related, father and son, just having dialogue and bringing guests on and whether it succeeds or not, like what. We just think about this. What if you could sit with your son as an adult and just tell some truths that no one really knows? But now this dude gets to receive a secret or something you've been holding on to. Then now it's no longer a secret because you trust him. That's what we built, that's awesome, and so, yeah, we're, we're, we're still, we're still launching it. What we're doing is we're downloading them on zoom and we're cutting them into clips, but we like to get them on like stuff that you guys are doing um, on apple and everything but. But yeah, it's, it's been a cool project, but but the most important thing is now my daughters are looking at us. They're like what are you?

Speaker 3 1:18:12

guys doing and his mom's asking what are you guys doing? So? Because we're not really telling him about that, we're just doing our thing, but you know who's really tuning in?

Speaker 3 1:18:21

men and women that are his age yeah they're like, how are you talking your dad about that? Like, didn't you not talk to him for a couple years? Like, wait, you're telling your dad that so his generation, generation millennials they're looking at our show way differently because they're like my dad would never tell me that. So this awareness that what I want to be for men is, or what this age group is, that it is capable if your parents are willing to let go of the ego and I also want men my age who are fathers to say you have a responsibility. So really, again, we talk about this time, full 10 years out of your kid's life, to give them a blueprint that can help them progress in a way that you weren't able to. Sure, and that's what we want to bring the table I love it, dude.

Speaker 2 1:19:10

Well, we'll put a link in the bio here, for sure, and then say it one more time Name your book.

Speaker 3 1:19:16

From Darkness to Redemption.

Speaker 2 1:19:17

And where can people get it?

Speaker 3 1:19:19

Amazon. Okay, and then it's on Barnes Noble.

Speaker 2 1:19:22

Okay, we'll put a link on here as well.

Speaker 3 1:19:24

I'm looking to get it inside the Barnes Noble stores.

Speaker 2 1:19:26

Yep.

Speaker 3 1:19:27

And looking to get on audio. I just need to still, but uh, but I'm gonna get my audiobooks cool.

Speaker 2 1:19:32

We'll give morgan freeman a call when we're done, see if he'll lend his voice. I mean, I can, I could be. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it in my name, I'm gonna do it in my voice. I love it.

Speaker 1 1:19:39

I love it even better well, if you want to come in and record it on the uh, on the, on the, on the setup here, you're more than welcome, you always got a place here, man well, we appreciate you for coming in and opening the goddamn gate. Man, this was a good one, this was awesome.

Speaker 2 1:19:51

Thanks bro, appreciate you joining us.