Open The Gate
Breaking down Sacramento Real Estate: Our Favorite People, Places and Mindsets
Open The Gate
The Update Episode!
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A Long-Awaited Return
SPEAKER_01Stop.
SPEAKER_00I'll let this one play. This one's definitely a little different. All right, my dear. It has been it has been an hour. I mean, it has not been a minute. It has been a long time.
SPEAKER_02It's been a while. Um It's a comeback episode.
SPEAKER_00It is a comeback episode. Um you know, and and and and we've been through we've been through our things. We've been through some shit. Let me put this on airplane mode.
unknownGod dang it.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Just we're trying, I'm trying as hard as I can to go like without a technical difficulty today.
SPEAKER_02Honestly, it's been smooth so far.
SPEAKER_00I mean, so far, so good. Maybe I maybe I knock some sense into myself. Pun intended, I guess. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So maybe you knocked the sense out and like the pressure is gone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was a full reboot. Like it's just a clean hard drive. Um okay, so let's um let's get to it. There uh we have not been on since um late, late December. We had an interview scheduled for November 25th. I remember the day very well. Um and we will get to Paul Brown because sorry, Paul. My guy Paul's got some stuff to talk about too. So um for those that don't know, um on November 25th, I sustained a pretty significant fall. I broke a um I fractured and dislocated my left ankle and shattered
The Fall And Immediate Aftermath
SPEAKER_00my right heel. Um ended up in the uh trauma unit uh for eight days, had three surgeries, um, lots of visitors. I got to spend uh I got to spend Thanksgiving with the uh trauma on the trauma ward at uh at I don't uh well we'll just leave the hospital name out of it.
SPEAKER_02Uh how was the hot food there?
SPEAKER_00Uh you know, I mean turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving, um green beans. Uh they give you salt on the side. Okay. So I was able to salt and pepper my meals, um which was which was needed. Um so anyway, so yeah, was um was doing some volunteer work, um had an accident, uh fell from a platform from about 14 or 15 feet, um hit the ground, heard heard it, felt it, um, rolled over, went fetal, and kind of immediately went into like uh just I don't know if it's survival mode, but like something's really fucking wrong here, and we need to do some things. Um I think the first thing I did was hand my phone to Liz and say I need you to call my wife. And then I was kind of directed others to, you know, please call 911.
SPEAKER_02Um It's ironic that you being the center of the issue there is telling everybody like you have the capacity to stay calm and tell other people what to do when they're panicking.
SPEAKER_00I was um I was incredibly conscious. Uh I never lost consciousness.
SPEAKER_02Um Do you wish you did?
SPEAKER_00No, no, that would have that would have been even because and uh it's like I'm still so empathetic. Like I had I I owe Liz like a an apology for putting her in the position to have to call my wife. Like that had to have been just so bad.
SPEAKER_02And and she kind of took it as a a sign of how close you guys are. Actually, she was proud to be the one that you seen. Yeah, and I mean call my wife.
SPEAKER_00And Marina and I know Liz outside of work, you know, in a in a in a in a friendly nature as well. So um, but I mean it's still really uh it's a big ask. Um and you know, and like I still think about all the things outside of me that were going on in that same moment, you know, concurrently. Um when I when I hit the ground and and felt the pain, um, one of the very first thoughts that I had, and I will never forget this, was oh my god, I just inconvenienced so many people.
SPEAKER_02Interesting.
SPEAKER_00Like I knew I was in bad shape. I'll be honest, I I knew my I knew my left leg was broken because I could see it. Um was it a compound?
SPEAKER_02Like was it?
SPEAKER_00It wasn't compound, thank goodness. Um which ultimately led to some some additional complications later in the afternoon not being compound, but still anytime it's not compound is a good thing. Yeah. Um so you know, I'm I'm there and I'm just like, oh my god, like I thought I'd sprained my right ankle pretty bad. I didn't I I didn't think it was broken. Um and then about halfway to the hospital in the ambulance, the the pain in my right actually just took off and it's just far out um outdid my left. Um so we got to the hospital and then discovered that I had uh shattered my heel into three pieces. And then um, and then what's wild is on the other side my heel was actually what did the damage. My left heel was what jammed up and broke my fibula. Um so um get to the hospital, lots of questions. You know, um they asked, you know, well, do you know about how high you were? And I said, Well, probably between 12 and 15 feet, and then I immediately went from being an emergency room patient to a trauma patient. So the algorithm for for everything that was going on in my world changed as soon as they found out the height. Um uh let's see. So
From ER To Trauma Protocol
SPEAKER_00my uh my wife and uh my co-worker Stefan showed up and um I'd kind of just gotten admitted. Um so now we're just going through the process of kind of running everything back, lots of questions. Um I do not recall if I was given pain medication, but I do recall not being like in a ton of pain at that point. They had stabilized my feet and legs, and um I wasn't in a ton of pain. I was having conversations and you know, and then um and then the x-ray tech comes in, he goes, Well, we're gonna be together a while. And I'm like, What do you mean? Like, you gotta take an X X-ray of my ankle and my foot, you know? He's like, Oh no, no, we're going all the way up, all the way up both legs, all the way up my spine because of the height. Because of the height, they wanted to make sure I didn't have any um any additional, you know, stuff going on in my back or anything like that. So dodge that bullet. Um I mean, yeah, looking back on it, and I mean that was kind of the point where I started to realize like I did get really lucky. Um and again, I think that you know, not to sound crazy like egomaniacal, but like, you know, I'd I had leaned back into my fitness, I had leaned back into things, and like, you know, and I feel like in that situation, like my athleticism helped me out. Like, I mean, when I was in the air falling, I was very aware of what was going on. It felt like forever. Um I watched the video.
SPEAKER_02People say, like it was I you did look behind you, like you knew what you were doing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, and I don't know how I lost my footing or my grip. I don't know what caused me to to come off, but a ton of thoughts like on the way down. Like it was it's like that. People say life flashing before your eyes. I was like, no, I was just amazed at like how many super clear thoughts I was able to have in that amount of time. I mean, it wasn't like a long time, but it was long enough. Long enough. Um, you know, I was like, I think I was like 245 pounds at the time. So I mean the force was was pretty much that's a lot of weight to hit the ground from that height. It hurt. And I had these like it's like like I I'm you know, I'm a low-top canvas tennis shoe guy, so I had a pair of those on with like basically cardboard on the bottoms of them. So no, no, you know, just no relief from any of that. Um so as the day progressed, um we're getting through the x-rays, they're they're cool with all the they're you know, they've with all the discovery they've made. They they discovered that I had like a fractured vertebrae from probably a year or so ago that I never knew about. Way, way down low. So interesting. Um but uh so then it becomes time to like start figuring out, you know, next steps. And um at this point, like I still don't know um like with a long-term prognosis. I don't know if I'm you know if I've really screwed myself and I don't know if I'm gonna walk again. Um, you know, I so there's a lot of a lot of kind of fear of the unknown in at that time. Um and then uh I'll never forget this. They come in and they put like these um it's like the the you know where they they heat up the fiberglass and form it. Yes, so the so they put these fiberglass forms on both of my feet to stabilize to support them and wrap them. And um I don't remember where I was at that point. I think I was in the ICU. I think I was in a room in ICU, and Marina was with me. And um shortly after they put these braces on, I started feeling like this like mild burning sensation on the inside of the arch of my foot. And I told Marina about it, and I was like, hey, um, yeah, I'm having this pain right here. And she goes, Well, do you want me to tell anybody? And I'm like, nah, I mean, let's let's see what happens. Well, within 15 minutes, it's escalating and escalating and escalating. I mean, so so the that that pain ended up um escalating to what I would say is is the the most pain I've ever felt in my life. Um it was it it just became crazy painful. Um I ran through the gauntlet of every pain medication they could give me, which um none of them, none of them did anything. Like um I'd had more I think we've discussed, like I've had morphine in the past, like for a broken arm. So morphine delauded fentanyl. None of it did a thing for the for the pain. And I don't know there, there's there's definitely a chance. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you like there's no chance that I wasn't thinking my way into this because I was pretty terrified at this point. Um reasonably so. Um somebody had texted me the following day, and I can't remember who it was, and I couldn't find the text. They said, How is the pain? And I think and they were probably leaning into the fact, knowing that I was getting all kinds of really good pain meds. Um my response was a thousand out of ten. Um as as I was experiencing that pain, I was literally trying to crawl out of my skin, like trying to c climb off the gurney, you know, that I was on. Um, and I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, I just can't was it in both it was no, it just it was the one spot. It was that one, it was like a six or eight inch long area.
SPEAKER_02Um did they ever have any it had to have been something with a nerve.
SPEAKER_00So what happened so what happened was um my left leg was about two inches shorter than my right when I got to the hospital because of the impact. So that's my heel had pushed up and and just my leg was just not the same. Yeah. Um so um what happened was part of the bone that slid down on the side of my heel, which is your calcaneus, which I've gotten to know a little bit of the anatomy of a foot and ankle.
SPEAKER_02Um Welcome back to human biology.
SPEAKER_00So the fibula was pressed up against it, restricting blood flow, and there was probably some nerve stuff going on through there that was getting pinched. But when they put those um splints on me, for whatever reason, it it just kind of blocked just enough more to to escalate. So it turns into kind of a shit show because I had been passed bit from ER to trauma and you know, and like I've got all these people. I get it. It was it was a spectral, I felt like a fucking zoo animal to be honest. Like, there were so many people, and um and I'm like, hey, you guys gotta take this splint off. Like, this is ever since that
Unbearable Pain And Parallel Universes
SPEAKER_00thing went on, and they're like, Well, the person who put it on has to take it off, and they're not here. And I go, Well, someone needs to go find that fucking person because this shit's gotta come off. Yeah, so I have no recollection of how much time that was. I know that um I know I was in a lot of pain, and I know it wasn't like two minutes. Um, so it was it was it was a little while, and uh, and poor Marina. Uh I I I was debating if I was gonna share this portion, but Marina does not like like a ton of attention. And unfortunately, like I'm kind of moaning and groaning and screaming, and it's uncontrollable. Like, there is no that was my outlet. Um, there was no there was no biting down, there was no, you know, there was no avoiding this. And uh and I and she was like kind of rubbing my leg and she was shushing me, like you know, like a baby, like when you're in a restaurant and the baby's making, you're like, shush, like we don't need all this undue attention. I told her, I was like, if you shush me one more time, you can go sit in the car. I was like, I'm sorry, like I'm trying to.
SPEAKER_02Now you know what every every woman who's ever gone through a natural child feels like when their husband is like, it's okay, honey, and they're like, if you fucking tell me it's okay one more time, I am going to rip your face. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So um, so that was the first time I stubbed my toe with her, and and uh as soon as I said it, I was like, oh, I'm fucking asshole. Like, you know, I I know I know I'm an asshole.
SPEAKER_02There's very few people who can relate to the case.
SPEAKER_00I mean, obviously, I mean we're we're we're just past ten weeks. Ten weeks uh Tuesday was ten weeks from my accident, and uh obviously I'm I still carry a little bit of guilt for having said that. So sorry, babe. I think I've apologized to her a couple times, but it's still, you know. Um so um Okay, so I've run the gauntlet and now I am super high. Delauded, morphine, and friendly.
SPEAKER_02I think this might have been about the time that you got on your Instagram.
SPEAKER_00So uh that was I think the following day. But no, because uh I think I posted the Instagram before this.
SPEAKER_02Um but uh I could tell you were very high because you posted the video of the accident and you were like, don't ask me what happened. And then you posted the video again and was like, don't ask me what happened. And I was like, oh my god, damn so high right now.
SPEAKER_00Well, so so yes, so here's how here's how high I was. There were there were two very parallel universes that I was completely present in both of them, and I knew I was high because my thoughts were echoing in both universes.
SPEAKER_02Okay, like you know, this is like a level of highness that most people like intentionally set out to achieve. They want to like straddle the universes, yeah, and you got there.
SPEAKER_00I was there, I was there. So one side of this, one one of these, one of these universes is saying, Hey man, you're good. Like, there's actually no way that anybody could like um consciously experience what you're going through. So this must be a dream. And then the other side chimes in and goes, No motherfucker, this is real. So now I've got two parallel universes, I'm high as a kite, and they're talking to each other. This is so interesting. It was amazing. And then the lights went out. So they ultimately um they couldn't, they couldn't get my they couldn't get my pain under under control with um through fentanyl. Fentanyl's a whole nother thing, right? Like it's it's like this yellow box that's like locked, it's under lock and key. And I was like, dang, like that's no joke. Um, so they ended up t intubating me. So they they put the tube down my throat and put me out. Um at the time, like I think like I'm I'm just so naive to all these things. Um none of that stuff really scared me. Um I did tell them at one point, I was like, if you can't make this fucking pain stop, you can cut that thing off because I'm done. I told him, I was like, you can have my foot. I don't I don't want to experience it. You would have regretted that later. Yeah, oh yeah, 100%. Yeah. Marina's like, you're not cutting his fucking foot off. That's not happening unless it absolutely has to. Um they had um because of the amount of pain um and the escal the way it escalated, they were they became very concerned about a condition called compartment syndrome, which which can cost you appendages. Um and so they and uh compartment syndrome, my understanding was it'll develop because like you get so much swelling in an area and there's just nowhere for it to go, and your body just keeps sending the signals to the blood and the blood cells, and and um so I was about I was apparently the the test for compartment syndrome is is one of the most painful tests done in a medical field. So um I was a few minutes away from the test and they were able to rule it out. So I didn't have to go through that. And like because in my mind, in the back of my mind, and I I didn't ask the question, um, I didn't learn to ask questions and say things and share feelings in the hospital until like the third or fourth day.
SPEAKER_02It's so hard when you've never been in that situation. First of all, you don't know what questions to ask. And there's so much going on that you can't think clearly enough. It's all like hindsight when you're like, fuck, I should have asked that.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02But when it's all going on, how long were you intubated for?
SPEAKER_00Um so um so I was intubated and then they um they went in and I I don't have a picture. I have a picture on my phone, but they um so overnight. So I'm guessing this was like around six or seven o'clock PM. Okay. On day one to ten
Intubation, External Fixator, And ICU Reality
SPEAKER_00hours. Yeah. Um we kind of ran through all that. And then um, so they intubate me and they do um they do a surgery on my left ankle to to get it back to the appropriate length. And um what that entailed was they put on what's called a external fixator. So they drilled a hole through my heel, uh drilled a hole through my forefoot and put these rods in there, and then they drilled two screws directly into my shin about halfway up, and then these titanium rods on the outside that they bolt in, so now my foot can't move and it's uh going through the airport's gonna be fun for you next time. Yeah, I asked that. They they said no. They said they said I should be they should they said the the the the stuff that they use nowadays doesn't set off a metal. They said it'll make an MRI look like hell, like it just make it scrambles an MRI machine, but um, but no. Um so um so I wake up the next morning, still tubed, can't talk. I look down, I see my feet, like I got this frickin' Terminator contraption on the has like the rings on the outside, like it's uh it doesn't have the rings, yeah, but it's bait these two rods that are about 18 inches long a piece, and I mean it's locked in.
SPEAKER_02And I mean And poor Marina, like as a as a spouse having to see you unconscious, tubed up, oh yeah, you know, tubes in your throat on a breathing machine, like that is some serious trauma. Yeah, yeah, some serious trauma.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, she's um I mean, yeah, she didn't she was not getting a lot of sleep. Um she was going home, obviously. The kids were at home. Um my my mom ended up coming up, you know. I mean, we had the support system, and we'll talk about that, was was was just so incredible. I mean, the outpouring of people and support and all that, it was just incredible. But so I wake up, I've got the external fixator on my left and uh my right's still wrapped up. I got the tube, I look down, I'm just communicating via like my notes on my phone and like not really thrilled that I um I kept like kind of choking on the on the tube. And they're like here, they show me this like uh suction thing and like oh you gotta suck out your saliva. And I'm like, but every time I would choke, like my feet would like, you know, when you choke, like you convulse a little bit. Um so um That's crazy.
SPEAKER_02I can't imagine my brain cannot imagine being conscious while having a tube down your throat.
SPEAKER_00It was horrible. I will say that was horrible, and the other thing that was horrible was the removal of the catheter. That was really horrible. Um I mean, thank God I can laugh about it now. But in the moment, in the moment, you can cry together if you want, but uh, you know when you see red and you want to just punch something like that? Yeah, like that that catheter removal was was definitely one of those moments. Um so then so I'm tubed, I'm kind of not understanding why I'm still tubed. Um and they go, Oh, we're gonna put you back out because we're gonna go, we're gonna go fix your um we're gonna go fix your right heel. Um so I think so shortly after I was I was not happy, I was texting Marine, I was very unhappy about that. Um, but I was didn't it didn't matter. Like I was I wasn't in control at this point. So put me back under, go uh wake up, and and then so my foot was my right foot was was surgically repaired the following day, the next the next day from so um so it was a week ahead of the left as far as um surgical recovery goes. So then um so now so now we're into like the the meat and potatoes of my of my stay. I was in I was in I was in the trauma ward for eight days, seven and a half days. Um the first couple days are pretty simple, you know, Thanksgiving comes, and you know, it just um they were pretty impressed. I was able to move my legs pretty good, obviously not my feet. Um those were immobilized, but um and I think during that there those first couple days was when I really just decided I was like, you know, this is my situation. Obviously, there was a huge outpouring of people who who felt sympathetic. Um and I didn't want that, like because once I like knew like I had a chance for you know as close to a full recovery as possible, I was like at that point I was like, I just want to focus on that. I don't really want or need anybody to feel sorry for me. Like I just want to focus on getting better. Yeah. Um and I so I and I struggled with that. Like it was it it was it's hard, it was hard. There there were other times like later on in my in my in the last you know month or so where I would be out doing. Doing things when I was still in my wheelchair and pushing the envelope, maybe, and trying to do things just because I needed it for my own sanity. And the looks that you get from people, you know, those sympathetic looks where you have strangers who don't say anything. And it's just like, fuck, I don't want that. You know, like I just didn't want it. I had no desire for it.
SPEAKER_02This I would say is the number one thing I've been wondering, and I've I can't I've been so curious to ask you of how it affected you to have to be forced to be so vulnerable. Because you are a very you're a very typical, like, you know, athlete, yeah, dude. You're you don't wear your emotions on your sleeve by any means. Like
Small Goals In A Big Hospital
SPEAKER_02you are not, I mean, you're a great guy. You're very like emotionally intelligent, I would say, of course, but you're not like out there talking about your emotions like most dudes are, you know?
SPEAKER_00And yeah, I don't have a I don't have a massive desire to have those conversations. Um Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And and and now you're in a situation where not only are you like physically vulnerable, but you really can't do much else other than sit down. Oh, I mean, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I mean, in the in the um in the hospital, I mean, I if you know, I had to push a button to get medication, you know, and like and you know, push the button, talk to the nurse, ask them to come in, say, hey, I need so-and-so, blah, blah, blah. Um yeah, I mean, to be to be dependent or needy is not really my jam.
SPEAKER_02It's like it makes your skin crawl. You're the type of person of like having to depend on other people to help you. You want to be the person to help other people.
SPEAKER_00So, yeah, so and you know, and and and personal standards, you know, in regards to things. Um, I'll share this story. I was I was debating if it's a poop story, so I didn't know if I was gonna share it. Same space here. Sorry, let's skip ahead if you don't want to hear the poop. It'll be about two minutes or so, guys. So if you don't want to hear the poop story, just fast forward.
SPEAKER_02Um As I take a swig of coffee. Let's go.
SPEAKER_00So I'll I'll I'll premise this by saying like the morning of my accident, like I had to go.
SPEAKER_01And I did not.
SPEAKER_00I couldn't, I could not find the opportunity to sneak away and do my business. So um on like so day three in the in the hospital in the trauma ward, they um they were like, hey man, we're gonna have to start having this conversation. You gotta have a bowel movement. And I'm like, I just don't feel like I gotta go. And they're like, We know.
SPEAKER_02So day four rolls around, and they're like, okay, now those opioids opioids will stop you up real too.
SPEAKER_00So and I wasn't eating, like I didn't have an appetite, so I'm like, well, but I also knew I was like, I had to go before this whole onset. Now that I think about it, you know, like no, I knew it was in the back of my head the whole time, and um so there's so many things that spurned from this because like and I'll premis this with saying like I have literally I I I never knew like that I was physically larger than a lot of my friends or most of my friends. Um in regards, I mean, like You're a big dude. I figured like I I th I kind of thought 6'3 was like the top end of like normal size, and like you know, 240, 22, you know, 240 pounds or so. So like well when you get into a hospital and you're like dependent on like a tiny little nurse? Well, not even so much that I wasn't worried about like I was still I had an upper body strength, so I was able to do a lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00You know, they did they were not yourself up and stuff. They weren't having to, yeah, support my body weight or anything like that for the most part. But uh, but the like the mobile commode, it was rickety. I'm like, I felt like that motherfucker was gonna collapse underneath me, and I go, then we were gonna really have an issue. But uh so the first one though, so the first, the first, the first movement, so bad. I'm so sorry about this, but it's a good story. Uh I hadn't learned how to transfer out of the bed to anything else yet, so I'm it's gonna have to happen in a bedpan. Yep. And uh they deliver they I mean they've they've given me all the the mirror, the milk of magnesia, all the things. Like we know it's coming, it's gonna happen. And uh so I'm like, hey, like I feel like I gotta go, so I tell the nurses, I'm like, you know, it's coming on quick. And um so they bring me like this bedpan, and I'm like, I'm like, hey, like, just between us, like I feel like it's gonna be a pretty big one. So I need like is this gonna be enough? Yeah, like I go, I go, I don't want like, you know, so they bring me like and it's plastic, and it's tall, and I'm like, I gotta get this thing underneath me. Like, I'm like kind of you know in this bed. Um, so I get on, like I finally get it under me. I'm so uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_02Did you were you like in a sitting position? Okay, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00But like, yeah, but there was no vacancy like underneath me. So like I now I'm like sitting on it's like it was like a fucking um it was like one of those little circle chairs, you know, you spin to raise like so so I'm on top of this like plastic bedpan and it kind of collapses a little bit, and I'm like, oh my god, like my fat ass just freaking collapsed the bedpan. But I'm also like very aware that I have reduced the volume like of the container.
SPEAKER_02Um so many fears are just like triggering the biggest. I'm so fucking I'm so fucking regretting telling this story now.
SPEAKER_00But but I have to finish. I've committed. So um so it it happens, and it it's it's it's it's a it's a it's a glorious mess. Um I mean it's and and I'm I didn't realize.
SPEAKER_02This is like a scary movie moment, I feel like.
SPEAKER_00I didn't realize like I was fairly hypochondriac, but like all of a sudden now in this moment I'm like feeling filthy and like so the nurses come in and and clean me up, and um uh we get you know, and now I'm like clinging for like dear life to the side of this hospital bed, like my arm, and I'm like shaking because I'm like, you know, and and and my brain is like again, like I'm so fucking sympathetic for these nurses. And I know like everyone's like that's part of their job, they do it all the time, you're no different from anybody else. But at the same time, I'm like, you couldn't pay me enough. Like, and I love people and I love helping people. I go, you couldn't pay me enough. So um so we get all cleaned up and I kind of get situated again, and um and I can still kind of catch these waffs. You know the something was left behind. And I'm like, and I was again, like I had been like hoarding the uh medical wipes, and like the nurses were super cool. Like I was like, I was in like when the nurses were around, I was in like full-blown sales mode. I was like so nice. I'm like, I'll fucking kill these people with kindness, and they're gonna give me everything I want. So which will play on to another part, the end of this story. So um, I'm like, all right. So I grab a thing of the wipes and I start doing some kind of exploratory, and it was it was it was it was not clean. And I'm like, oh my god. So I like have to call him
Humor, Dignity, And Learning To Ask
SPEAKER_00back in. I'm like, hey guys, like this ain't sorry, this ain't it. Yeah, I gotta, we gotta, we gotta be.
SPEAKER_02There's some moments in life that just like strip away all of your pride and ego and just force you to be like it was it was a very um dignity-ridden moment.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um and again, like, and now I've gotta kind of come back to these and and my nurses were fantastic, they were the nicest humans, but I'm like just not satisfied with the job that was done. So what so anyways, it gets it gets handled, it gets taken care of, right? So now I'm now I'm clean and we're good. Um the the following like that evening, like they had swapped out my bed, they put me on this air mattress because they didn't want me getting bed sores because they obviously knew I was gonna be there for a while. Um, which I hated. I hated that new bed they gave me. It was the it had like this motor that kept the air full.
SPEAKER_02Oh, constantly running.
SPEAKER_00Constantly running and quiet. I mean, so that wasn't necessarily but it was like um well so what happened was the the the mess that we had made earlier in the day went into a receptacle that was not emptied.
unknownOh god.
SPEAKER_00So now it's like bedtime, and I'm trying to get comfortable on this bed that I hate, and I've had a day, and I like you know, turn my head to the side to try and go to sleep, and the motor from this fucking bed that I hate is like wafting the stench from the receptacles. And and again, I told you, like, I you don't know what you can ask or what you should ask, or and I wasn't comfortable asking a ton of questions at this point, and that was the turning point, like because so I think I I fell asleep. I didn't you you never get great sleep. I mean, they come in and take your vitals every two or three hours, maybe four or it's very frequent. Um it's it's like everybody says, I mean, as soon as you fall asleep, they come in and they gotta take your vitals and give you some meds or something. Um so finally the next morning, um, I think it was actually two days. I dealt with it, and I finally go, I was like, hey, like you guys like they didn't empty it for two days. Yeah, and I was like, hey guys, like that's that's not true. I'm like, does anybody not notice this smell? Is it just me? Am I like hyper aware of this? Because it'd been bothering me. So maybe I was like, I was definitely pushing this to the front of my mind. It was so bothersome.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well when you're fixated on it.
SPEAKER_00Um yeah, so so anyway, so so so that was when I learned that you you when you're in when you're in, you need to request that they empty your receptacles data.
SPEAKER_02You need to request that they do everything you need to feel comfortable.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I but like I said, I it took me two days to figure out that why it smelled like that, you know? And so, anyways, that was that was a frustrating experience. Um and then, but so that led to like me going, all right, and I had this one male nurse, and it was funny because the first couple days I was super bothered by his lack of urgency. But god damn it, he made up for it in compassion. He was he was he was an awesome human. So I told him, um, I go, hey, you know, I said, you and I, um, we're gonna figure out how I never use a bedpan again. And I had a, you know, there's a bathroom on ensuite, and I go, and he's like, well, maybe we can get you a uh mobile commode. And I'm like, nah, I think we tried one of those. I didn't like that that much, unless you can get me like a heavy duty one.
SPEAKER_02I go, one that can support.
SPEAKER_00I'm like, my goal, yeah, yeah, my fat ass, right?
unknownI'm like, fuck.
SPEAKER_02Um, and I go, you know by the way, nothing about you is fat. I just have to like clear the record. You're being a little bit of a high school girl here.
SPEAKER_00You do you like I I was feeling, I was feeling it. Like I was not feeling good. Yeah. Thin or fit at that point. But uh I told him, I pulled him aside, I go, hey man, you and I have a goal. I go, you're gonna get my ass on that commode over there. I don't know how we're gonna do it. I said, but that means we gotta learn how to get me onto a wheelchair or something. He goes, cool. He's like, yeah, you gotta you, he's like, we that's that's on your that's that's on your list. Like you got to figure that out. And I go, if you get me to a wheelchair, I will get myself on that toilet. And uh so that was so that was when I kind of started um like I said, you know, I'd said like I'd had this mind shift where I was like, I'm not gonna dwell on the negative. Um I wasn't gonna let any of that stuff like that situation that I went through was rough. It was brutal. Uh it would break a lot of things. But I said, but I just I was like, you know what, this is my world, you know, and this is this is the world that I'm living in, and this is my life right now. So I'm not gonna I'm not gonna let this be the be the thing that that that drags me and and then forces me to bring everybody else around me down. I'm not gonna yell at a nurse or whatever. Like it's not like they're not fucking trying. Like nobody knows what they don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Right? So, benefit of the doubt as at that point. So um, so that was when I kind of said, all right, like this is going to be a situation where I just set small goals and then we just go get them.
SPEAKER_02And I think this is such a defining moment because this is typically the moment where people either are swallowed by the victimization of, oh my god, this happened to me. Yeah, da-da-da-da. Yeah. And then they drown in it and they become angry and resentful and XYZ, and they don't take the steps to get better, and now they're perpetuating the issue, or they do what you do and they say, This is my, this is my life, this is what happened.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_02And I'm not gonna let let it mean that my life is any different. It's still my life, it's still under my control, and I'm gonna start with little goals.
SPEAKER_00100%. And that was kind of it.
SPEAKER_02So it was like That's a champion mindset.
SPEAKER_00You know, you're a few days in, and now I'm like, all right, so we got these little goals, and you know, it's like, all right, we're gonna go for we're gonna go outside and go for a walk. Someone's gonna push me around in my wheelchair and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And uh, so that was kind of that was kind of the start of that, which which was super, super helpful. Like, um, you know, I stayed, I I wanted to stay involved on the social media stuff because there was a lot um for a couple of reasons. One, it really, really helped pass time. Um, so like when and I had a lot of visitors, like don't get me wrong, like everybody who came to visit me, thank, thank God, God bless you. Like the visitors were huge. Um, because there's a lot of downtime, a lot of quiet time, and and I think that's that's one of the dangers, right? When you're in there and and that downtime, it'll lead to exactly what you said. And and you're on medications, and you know, and uh, I think one of my my biggest fears is like uh I have totally I think I've shared. I'm I'm obsessed with like anything that has to do with the grub drug trade and like addiction and all that stuff.
SPEAKER_02One of your like random messages to me was like, I'm not addicted. Yeah, he's like good. Yeah, seriously.
SPEAKER_00But it's like but you're also in a situation where they tell you they're like, if you need pain meds, you have to ask for them. You know, and uh there's a schedule on your wall, and uh and you know, you hear the stories of people waiting, you know, when it used to be like you used to be able to push the button and the the system would administer your your drugs and people just staring at the clock because they knew exactly what time the refill came. So I've always had that in the back of my mind. I was just terrified of becoming dependent on on the you know, on the medications. Um to the point where like I'm I felt myself being guarded and having the conversations with the nurses around. I'm like, look, I don't like like there were times when I needed, like I was in pain. I was in a lot of pain, I needed stuff.
SPEAKER_02It's a fine line.
SPEAKER_00It is because it was a balancing act, is what it was. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You want to be able to feel like you can mind over manner it and and just kind of like you know, tough it out. But when you're at that level of injury,
Third Surgery And The Push To Go Home
SPEAKER_02oh yeah, you you need it. Like it's not just uh uh oh, I can tough this out. It's exactly what you were experiencing. The pain level becomes consuming. It is all you can think about. You want to literally crawl out of your skin to get away from it.
SPEAKER_00And if you end up, if you end up on the wrong side of it, if you end up chasing the pain, trying to like the pain is winning the race, it's really, really hard and really, really painful. And um, and you might not catch it, you know, like because you can only take so much medication. So um that was one of my big, my big, big takeaways. So um I'm trying to think. So as far as like being in goes, okay, so now I'm like day five and day six start rolling around. It's the weekend, we've passed Thanksgiving. Um, you know, side note, there was so much awesome like football and college volleyball, the stuff on TV. I had tons of stuff to keep me occupied. I had some friends come watch Niner games, and like that was that was fun. I mean, I got a lot of social interaction and family visits. Um, you know, we're we're really good.
SPEAKER_02Um I think that the community that shows up for you in your time of need isn't it an exact reflection of how you show up for everyone else around you.
SPEAKER_00I think I think that's fair. Yeah. I I try and I definitely try and uh try and make sure I acknowledge.
SPEAKER_02You're always lending a handout. You're like always figuring out how you can help. You're supporting, I mean, you're everywhere, you're involved in everything, and it's rare that people get the opportunity to show up for you. So Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I try to make I try to make it hard.
SPEAKER_02It only takes breaking both of your legs for people to be like, yes, we can finally support Dan when he needs us.
SPEAKER_00So then so then it became so the next the next small goal would became all right, we gotta get out of here. And they're like, Well, you still have all that shit on the outer.
SPEAKER_02You had to hit milestones to be able to leave. Oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I still needed an additional surgery. Um so um, and the swelling was pretty crazy. So it was like, all right, we gotta they wouldn't, they couldn't do the third la last surgery until the swelling came down and my ankle was just refusing to let go of the swelling. Um so it was like a uh, I think it was a Sunday night after Thanksgiving. One of my night nurses came in and she goes, I gotta take all your food and your water and everything. And I'm like, Oh, I know what that means. That means you guys are prepping me for surgery. Like, you gotta empty my system. I gotta have that stuff out of 12. So um I'm like, hell yeah, take it. Here you go. And um the next morning was a was Monday. So I knew, and I knew Monday Monday was gonna be crazy because now all the doctors are making their rounds. Like weekends are fairly quiet, you know. You would it it I was actually pretty surprised. That was one of my takeaways. I was like, oh, like hospitals do definitely slow down a little bit on weekends as far as like the doctors aren't there as you know, like there's teams there and people keep an eye on you in case something happens, but but it's definitely quieter. So so now, and I had like I was I had like three teams that were tied to me, you know, between ER, um trauma, and then the um the surgeons. So they're all coming through, and I'm kind of freaking like, fuck yeah, we're gonna have conversations about surgery, because like so now, like, so my my birthday, my birthday is December 3rd, so this is December 1st, I believe. I don't know. Anyways, not important. Around there. Well, the first two teams that come in are kind of like we don't know anything about surgery. Like, and I'm like, motherfuckers, you fucking starved me and dehydrated me, and we're not talking about surgery right now. So then, like, so then my surgeon comes in and I'm like, hey. The first two teams didn't really seem to be in the know, and he's like, Well, let me check your notes. Um, oh, well, yeah, it looks like um I had the um there was a um a neuro PA, and she was amazing. She was like my favorite person in the hospital. Um she was there the first night. So she was very connected with me. Um, very, very aware, very caring, very, very on it. Um and uh so she was the one who called in, like, hey, you know, she said she woke up in the middle of the night and like called in and was like, Yeah, you gotta you should you should be able to do surgery. So um so the surgeon was like, Oh, well I mean I guess like and he starts kind of poking around. He's like, Yeah, I mean I could operate on this now, like the swelling's down enough. So let me see if I can get you an operating room. So they end up getting me an operating room like that evening.
SPEAKER_02Well, thank you, Angel PA.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, she was amazing. So um, so then, so then now I mean I'm I'm pretty conscious through all you know all this. Like now I'm very I'm comfortable in the space. And you know, I know everybody. I'm freaking running for mayor. You know, so um um so we get to uh so I go up to to to prep for surgery, and I end up I know two of the nurses, like two of the surgical nurses. I'm like, oh god, and like you know, now they're starting to load me up and I'm fucking just freewheeling. Um so uh go in for the third surgery, and uh I guess it went well. I get out and um I'm in the uh I'm in the recovery and I'm coming off the anesthesia, and like, you know, the coming off anesthesia are the best. They're the best, right? And uh so I'm coming off and I've got like the little uh oxygen sensor on my finger, and I'm like taking it off, and I'm getting ready to get out of bed. And the nurses are coming over and they're like just gently pushing me back in and like like calmly put the thing back on. They're like, where are you going? And I'm like, Oh, I'm just heading over there. And uh and they're like, No, no, you're not, like, you're not going anywhere. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going, and I'm no, no, no, it's cool, it's cool. I got this. I didn't have the uh I didn't have the balls to tell them, but I was like, in my brain, like I was at happy hour and my friends had a beer waiting for me around the corner, so I was just gonna go.
Home Setup, Support Network, And Independence
SPEAKER_00And it like, so but like, but now like the anesthesia is fading, and I'm and I'm starting to become more aware of my surroundings, and I look and like there's this giant like toolbox, but it's not like a toolbox in your garage, it's a frickin' hospital toolbox. I go, oh fuck, like I know where I am.
SPEAKER_02So bingo, back down to earth.
SPEAKER_00So back down to earth, yeah. So um, so the and of course the two fucking nurses who know me are share the story with my wife, and she's just like, oh my god, you fucking idiot. Like, you know, and I'm like, I couldn't help myself. Like, I didn't know You don't know. I didn't know. I didn't know any better.
SPEAKER_02I have to share this really quickly. I had this similar experience coming out of a mage's surgery when I was 19. And my friend showed up, even though my dad was like, wait till tomorrow. I was wheeling like back. From recovery, Anastasa hadn't even worn off. And my friends happened to be right there in the lobby and we're passing through. And there was oddly a lot of people in the lobby. And I thought everybody was there for me then because I saw my friend. And so I'm laying on the bed. And I was like, Woo! Everybody follow me to my room. We're going this way. And my dad's like, this is a fucking hot mess. Like I was so fucked up. And my friends are like, Yeah, let's go, Kaylee. And I like bring the party into my room first time the surgery.
SPEAKER_00Anesthesia is wild. It's fun. Wild. I mean, that was a fun five minutes. I was frustrated personally, but it was still really fun.
SPEAKER_02You're like, I just want my beer. It's right around the beer. Seriously.
SPEAKER_00I'm like, it's just fucking my fucking beer is getting warm. Like, you know? So then, so like I needed the the third, the third surgery. So my like I said, my goal was to get home and not wake up in the hospital on my birthday.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So um it was a long day Monday, and then it ultimately I got home. Um some things had to happen, like modifications that take some doors off at the house, like make things more accessible. Very, very fortunate. Like Maureen and I, you know, we have a very nice home, um, wide hallways. Uh we have a downstairs guest bedroom with an ensuite that I moved into. Um so obviously, you know, very, very fortunate to have the things that we've done. Um we just recently remodeled some bathrooms. Um they were accessible for you. Which made them which made the one down there accessible. It had a wall uh we added a wand. We added a wand, which was fucking genius, you know. Like um, just dumb luck, right? Just dumb luck. Um just happened to pick out the fixture that had the wand, right? Yeah. So um uh so yeah, so got home and um started getting settled in. Um and then it was just, you know, had had a steady stream of visitors. I mean, God, we didn't my my we didn't have to cook dinner for I think three weeks.
SPEAKER_02That's amazing.
SPEAKER_00Um and and countless lunches, visitors. So that was all so, so helpful. And again, I was in mentally, I was in a good space. I mean, I could I could I could do a lot of things. The set my second morning I woke up, um, Marina hadn't woke up yet. The first morning she was wide awake because she's pretty, she gets pretty nervous, and and she's a very, very compassionate person, um, which is amazing that she was so nice to me. After you're such a dick to her. Oh my god. But uh the second morning that I wake up, no one's awake yet. And um I'm like, cool. So I get up, I get out of bed, get in my wheelchair, I wheel to the kitchen. Um, I discover that I can make my own coffee, I feed the dogs.
SPEAKER_02Uh a little bit of independence.
SPEAKER_00Cruising around. Right. I I'm back into it. I'm like, look, I want to I want to be helpful here. I don't want to be a burden. Um so so I discovered that, and she comes downstairs, she's like, God damn it, like, can you just not? Like, can you just let us do these things? And I was like, Well, I was up. Like, you know, I didn't want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling or whatever.
SPEAKER_02I go, I wanted to get out here and you're like driven by the need to contribute and never wanting to be a burden to anybody.
SPEAKER_00100%. A hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02This must have been the most humbling experience you've ever had.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Um like with so one of the one of one of the arguments, and we didn't have many. Um, like I said, I mean I'd I I think there were a lot of times where both like Marina and I both would bite our tongues and I'd wheel off into another room or she'd go upstairs.
SPEAKER_02Like I can just imagine you throwing yourself away.
SPEAKER_00And it is, it's a lot. Like some, but sometimes you just need space. Yeah. And um and when you're dependent on support, it's such a rock. You don't get a lot of you don't get a lot of space, you don't get a lot of personal space. Um so um I think so. I think we kind of we kind of figured that out, but it was like my biggest argument, it's what I told you before we started recording, was like, look, like if I'm gonna get better, I have to do the things that I can do. So I would find myself getting like frustrated or even mad if for people doing things that I could do. Everyone wanted to push my wheelchair. I'm like, look, I'll tell you when I need help. But for now, like just the simple pumping of my wheels, like, is is exercise in my world, and God knows I need it because I'm sitting on my ass for two months, like getting very little exercise.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you look nice and buff in this chest area. It must be from all those.
SPEAKER_00I was able to uh I was able to wheel, like we have we have some dumbbells at the house, so I was able to wheel in. I was doing like some curls and stuff a couple times a week and just getting, you know, putting some stress on my getting some blood flow. Yeah, so that was that was good that I was able to do that. Um and then uh so I had a in in-home nurse that would come twice a week, and they would come and kind of um strip down all my addressings and make sure all my incisions. I got some I got some pretty awesome scars. Like freaking gnarly.
SPEAKER_02Um you're halfway to Frankenstein right now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, fairly bionic. Um so they would come and the first the first time that he came and stripped everything down. I think I did share uh a picture of how skinny my life was. Oh, I remember that picture. The um, you know, unwrapped. And and they were, you know, they had been wrapped under ace bandages. And I know the the cool thing was they never put me in a cast.
SPEAKER_02Isn't it wild how quickly you atrophy?
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. I I had atrophied. I bet you I had atrophy, atrophied five to seven pounds before I left the hospital. It's insane. It's insane.
SPEAKER_02It's so crazy how this is why it's so important to not stop moving if you if you have the choice. Don't stop moving.
SPEAKER_00Right. Yeah. It's it's crazy. I would mean um so I'll j we'll just fast forward. There were there wasn't a whole lot. I mean, when I was in the wheelchair, um when I learned how to transfer from the wheelchair to a car, became
Wheelchairs, Public Spaces, And Pride
SPEAKER_00pretty cool because now I could make people Could you drive?
SPEAKER_02Oh no, you can't.
SPEAKER_00No, I couldn't drive because my right leg was still Yeah, I'm like, how does that work? Both your legs are but my daughter was is on a permit.
SPEAKER_02I yeah.
SPEAKER_00So you know, she wants to come on so she wants she wants to practice, she needs to practice. I'm like, if you want to go like let's go get me out of it, get me out of this house, I can put the window down, I can get fresh air, all the all the things, right? And then you know, if like Marina's gotta go run errands or whatever, like get me out of the house. I'm like, cool, you know. Um so there was a lot of that. So it wasn't so once we figured the car transfer piece out, um it was just, you know, it was it was fresh wind in my sails. Um it was another, you know, another goal accomplished and um very kind of spiritually uplifting, I guess. Yeah. Um I was able to go, you know, I went and watched um one of her volleyball practices. Um I've always had a I've always had a tradition for the last five or six years or so where um I take the one sibling shopping for the other for Christmas, and we got to do that. That's cute, you know. So um, you know, but like I think I'd shared with you earlier as well, like when you're at the mall during Christmas season in a wheelchair, um everybody's like, oh everyone feels so and I'm like, would you stop with the fucking sympathetic looks? Like I'm not fucking dying, you know?
SPEAKER_02Like I would have loved to just witness you in this social experiment of receiving the unwanted sympathy and pity looks. I'm the same way. Like it's so hard for me to receive pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me ever.
SPEAKER_00Now I will say, like, uh what I did learn like in a wheelchair, holding the door for someone in a wheelchair, massively helpful. Yes. Massively helpful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Sympathetic look because the clothes racks are a little too close and you know you're having a hard time being not fucking helpful. Not fucking helpful, not appreciated. Like none of that, right? Um the other thing, the other thing that I realized really quickly when I started putting myself in public spaces when I was in the wheelchair was that uh you're at fucking crotch height every time you turn your head anymore.
SPEAKER_02How's the world come down there?
SPEAKER_00Oh, it's fucking horrible. So bad. Um so again, so right? So so now my goal is get me out of this freaking chair. So we go back, so back to the doctor, and uh um doctors like um, so I think this was at seven or eight weeks. I can't remember. I think it was eight weeks. Um go back to the doctor. I've got a air boot on my right leg and this other like metal boot on my left. The metal boot was was was hell. I that thing was just horrible. It's terrible. And it well, it wasn't it was weird, it was it was like um it was flared open and just had these three wide straps, and for whatever reason, um I had a lot of nerve stuff going on. I still deal with a lot of nerve pain and flickering and shooting and things like that. Um so my day-to-day is obviously, you know, I I I kind of live at a four. Okay, you know. Um so I don't um I realized this the other day, like I don't get a lot of sleep, but I get a lot of rest.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, but I don't sleep. Yeah. Like, you know, um the last two nights have actually been uh Is it the pain that keeps you up or you're the thoughts or both? Um I I I don't want to say it's the pain, but it's definitely like the discomfort. Yeah. Um maybe pain. I don't know. I don't know. Like I have a hard time admitting that it's pain.
SPEAKER_02Um but it's definitely what we what we call it is really trivial. Yeah, it's something that is physically keeping you away.
SPEAKER_00Discomfort, definitely discomfort. Yeah. Um so shit, where was I? Um, um so I go back to the doctor. Doctor goes, um, yeah, we're gonna um we're gonna get you a new boot. So I now get an air boot for my left leg. Okay. And my right leg is free.
SPEAKER_01Ooh.
SPEAKER_00Liberation day. Right leg is free. So, and he goes, Um, yeah, we can get you on crutches. Oh, that's right. And I'm like, oh my God, like this was a fucking win. Like, to not be a crotchet. Yeah. It was massive. So um that was so that was a Tuesday. That was a Tuesday, and I actually it was I actually had scheduled a meeting here in the office. Like, I was like, um, I hadn't been to the office yet.
SPEAKER_02And um I was the same day you get on crutches, you're like, I'm out, I'm going to go to the house.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I was I technically I was I wasn't um I had two air, the two air boots on yet. I hadn't um I hadn't I wasn't gonna do the crutches. I I needed some time at home to practice and get a little more comfortable. Yeah. So um so I came came to the office. I had started taking on um just some some follow-up call work stuff because I was losing my mind. Like I just didn't have enough to do. Um at that point my physical therapy wasn't demanding or you know, I wasn't having to do anything and it wasn't really tiring me out. Um so I get on to the
Crutches, Driving Again, And Setbacks
SPEAKER_00uh so I get on, so I get home, start figuring things out, and I'm like telling Marina, I'm like, yo, my right leg is free, like I can drive. She's like, I don't know. I'm like, I can drive. I'm like, I can I can show you I can drive. So I've like spent a couple laps in the house on the crutches, and I'm like, yeah, like let's go.
SPEAKER_02Did you practice in a chair like pushing the gas, pushing the brakes?
SPEAKER_00No, I knew I could do all that. That was like like um my mobility, because um that was one of the things, like they encouraged me. They're like, look, when you're on the couch or when you're home, when you're off your feet, they want your feet up in the air and they want you moving them, you know, with ABCs, stars, any anything and everything you can do, stretching on them. I'm constantly just tweaking on my pulling on them, trying to get everything loosened up. So um, so now I'm up on crutches, I proved to Marina I can drive, and now I've got like fucking independence. Got the keys. I mean, like, seriously, like this is the biggest win ever. Um, but I realized almost immediately when I get on the crutches that um, oh yeah, my surgically repaired right heel that has three screws in it is taking all the beating of being on crutches. So I mean, it's just every step is just right heel pounding. So um got really swollen, became really painful, um, slowed me down.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00But not like like one step back. Tolerable. A half a step. It really didn't, I mean, it just it just reminded me that I still I wasn't free from being able to put my feet up with ice on them and and uh and and having to pay attention to stuff like that. Yeah. Um so I like uh it must have been the following day. Um Marina had started going to work for half days, like she was working from home for a lot of it. Um she'd started going in for half days, and then her days were starting to get longer in the office, which was cool, because I was like, I was good. Like I didn't need I didn't need her there. I mean, I liked having her there because it was company, the kids are back to school, like the house is quiet, like it was just countless pictures of me and the freaking dogs sleeping on me, you know. And then it's like even that got old. I'm like, as great as they were, like we needed each other, but I go, God, like I gotta get I I can't, like it just they be they became every time they licked or breathed or farted, it was just horrible, and I wanted to kill them. So I'm like, all right, we gotta start, we gotta start getting off this couch. So so I'm like, screw it. So I take myself on a uh you know private field trip to Dick's and go shoe shopping. I'm like, screw it. I'm I've earned some retail therapy. So I get myself some new shoes um because I was because I needed just to find I gotta I look at the Did you need some like heavy heel support shoes at that point? Well, yeah, padding, heel padding was my primary, was my primary objective, which puts you in like the ultrarunner shoes, which are like you don't look at the price tag when you if you go shopping for like the ultra runner shoes.
SPEAKER_02I was like, holy I know I've bought an apparent, but they last a long time and they really do support.
SPEAKER_00So I went through so I tried on probably six or seven pairs um and came and finally came to the conclusion on a pair, and then they were great. And so I've been wearing those, and then and then now I'm in like physical physical therapy. Like I go to a place and they put me through the gauntlet, and uh and he was like uh um the first week I'd still had I was wearing the boot religiously. Every time I got off the couch, every time I was up, I was wearing the left boot. Um because again, I mean I I got 18 screws and three plates in my left ankle. So I just in my brain, I'm terrified of I was terrified of that. Um but when I got cleared to go on crutches, the doctor told me he's like, You're clear for full weight bearing on both legs.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00My brain is like, there's no fucking way you're putting any weight on your left leg. Um so over the course of the f of the next week, you know, we're starting to do therapy and things like that. And uh like the pain and the swelling in my left is still it can get pretty extreme.
SPEAKER_02How was the first time you put full weight on your left leg?
SPEAKER_00Uh super scary um and very short-lived. Yeah. I didn't fall. Um, my therapist kind of showed me some, he's like, yeah, like you can do a lot of these exercises, like just do them, you know, with a counter in front of you, so you can so you can kind of catch yourself. Um so right now, um, so anyways, my therapist, physical therapist wants me like doing as much barefoot as possible because it's you know, it's really requires really requires a all of your little, like there's so many little bones and muscle groups and tendons and ligaments in there, and mine are just locked up and there's a bunch of scar tissue and all that. So he's like, you know, the faster you can do this, so uh, the better you're gonna be. Um, so after my second session, which was last Thursday of physical therapy, he'd asked me, he was like, How um how much longer you planned on wearing continuing to wear the boot on the left? And I was like, Oh no, maybe another another two weeks. And and I he kind of had this look on his face. He didn't say shit, like he didn't want to like tell me to not be a bitch. Sorry if that's inappropriate. Well, no, it's it's you he didn't but the look but the look did. So I was like, God damn it. So I got so I you know, crushed myself back out to my car and left. I was frustrated. Um I got home and I took the boot off and I put a shoe on and I told Marina, I go, I'm done with that boot. She goes, huh? And I go, yeah, I'm done with the boot. I go, I gave me a fucking look. Oh I should be done with the boot. And um So that was it. That was the last time I that was the last time I put it on. It was last last Thursday, so it's been a week. Um and uh Yeah,
Physical Therapy And Ditching The Boot
SPEAKER_00I mean, so now it's And you walked into this room, no crutches. I'm moving today with no crutches. Um I'm slow. I've got a pretty pretty pronounced limp. Um it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't feel fantastic, um but it also doesn't feel like I'm gonna cause any harm or do anything like that. Like I need it, like mentally, I just need I need it, I need it. I'm tired of the I was just so tired of the sympathetic looks between the wheelchair and the crutches and all that. I'm like, you fuck it, I can I can stand.
SPEAKER_02Watch this. I'll show you. I can do it. Like I'll show you.
SPEAKER_00I'm not gonna be super fat going downstairs. I'm really slow. Like I'm you know, I'm clogging up traffic going downstairs, but it makes me nervous. Um but getting better at that too. So um so yeah, so I still have uh that I mean that's the whole story. How long did we go? A little over an hour.
SPEAKER_02Um Well, I mean I still have I still have months of a life.
SPEAKER_00I've got wood to chop as far as my recovery goes. And I can't tell you if that's uh I I I think it's at least two months. It's probably closer to six to eight before you know I don't see myself on a basketball court or a pickleball court anytime soon. Um you know, I will get a handicapped placard to play golf for at least I have I have a handicap placard until through June, so that's pretty nice. Uh and I'll tell you right now though, like over the holidays, you'd be amazed at how hard it is to find handicap parking sometimes, like it's always full. There's a lot of people that have placards, you know? And and again, like you don't want to judge. But it's like sometimes you you drive by one and you see someone like hop out of their car and run in, and I'm like, motherfucker. Like, so I have a whole new appreciation for like the handicap stall and the spots and all that. I'm like, I ain't fucking with those people no more. Like those people You never know. You never know what's the ADA the ADA stuff is is so is so helpful. Um you know, they're just yeah, I won't go too deep into it, but like just res if you if you don't respect ADA compliance stuff, you you really should reconsider.
SPEAKER_02It's if you don't respect it, you don't understand it fully.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The need for it. For sure.
SPEAKER_02And all it takes is a little bit of a perspective to humble you enough to be really grateful for it and be like, you know what, they deserve those spots.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, for sure. Like, um yeah, I mean, going if you gotta use the restroom and uh oh, I do want to I wanted to share this. This is so funny. Like one of the uh one of the jokes, like, and it's not a joke because it's so fucking true. When when you have two broken legs and you can't stand up, yeah. Do you know what the hardest thing to do is?
SPEAKER_02There's a lot of things going through my mind, but I guess as a dude, like peeing, you're normally standing up peeing, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, like yeah, I had a jar for that. So that's hard. Yeah, you be into a jar. It's humbling. It's a very vivid picture. I'm sure you're welcome.
SPEAKER_02I just had a visual. Thank you for that.
SPEAKER_00You're you're you're not far you're not far off. So I swear to God, the hardest thing to do when you can't stand up is to pull your pants up when you're sitting on the toilet. Because you gotta like do a shimmy. And what'll happen is like your waistbands will get caught under the toilet seat, between between between the bowl and the seat, and now you gotta reverse shimmy. So yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Uh I'm getting all the visuals.
SPEAKER_00It was oh my god, like it was it was so hard. A lot of humbling moments. It was so fucking hard last year. Oh, it was so hard. Yeah, that was a fun one.
SPEAKER_02Um But you're power through it, you know, you adapt.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, um, you know, people would uh I think by default, people ask you, you know, how you doing? Yeah. And I think um I kind of would have my fun with that question, like, you know, better every day was a pretty common response.
SPEAKER_02But people don't know what to ask because they don't want to touch on something that might be.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. So so trigger a little bit. But when you could but like so when I could read that that was what they were they were coming from kind of a place of fear, like my response was never better. And then they'd they'd look and they're like, Really? Never, huh? And I go, ah, fucking awesome right now, you know? And uh that but that would help me, like that would give me some kind of relief. And and I think it would it it was also like it was disarming for them.
SPEAKER_02It's okay. I'm not that soft and sensitive, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like you know, and and not to be insensitive, but like it's It's like you see the like the movie scenes where someone's dying of cancer and the family's there and everyone's just sitting there staring at the person laying in the bed. I go, I wasn't that person. Like I had life ahead of me. I'd like there's no need to fucking sit here and be super sorry sad or or remorseful or whatever. Like I'm gonna get better.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's not gonna be tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a little better than today.
SPEAKER_02Um it's gonna take some time, but like I think they've done studies to show that like dealing with trauma, dealing with pain
Walking Without Crutches And New Limits
SPEAKER_02or whatever it is with humor is actually a sign of intelligence in most people because it shows that we can take our challenges or mishaps or whatever you want to call it and turn it into something that is valuable and actually helps motivate us moving forward.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah, I I I definitely um I definitely will seek to find a way that I can be helpful. Um to to I I see it more like in and probably in an athletic space with people who who want and and need to get better. Yeah. Um, but maybe having challenges and frustrations and you know, work with them in in in in some form of a motivational support role. Um that was something that that was on my mind quite a bit.
SPEAKER_02Um you're you're not even fully healed and you're already figuring out how can you take this experience and turn it into something that will contribute and help other people in that position.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I think, yeah, and I 100%. And and I think that I've always said, even with this podcast, like my goal for this podcast is that somebody hears something in every episode that they're able to take away. Yeah. Um like that's that's the value for me. Like, you know, we don't make money with this podcast. We just we're just here sharing.
SPEAKER_02I thought I was getting paid. Dan.
SPEAKER_00You know, uh yeah, it's a post-dated check.
SPEAKER_02I guess it's it must be covered. It's a promissory check.
SPEAKER_00I think there was I think there was a document that didn't get signed at HR.
SPEAKER_02Um but uh I just thought you had my mailing address wrong.
SPEAKER_00You hadn't for you didn't forward it. That's that's a you that's a you problem, you know. Um so enough about me and and and not to I I I feel like you know we're we're having a lot of fun right now, but you've but you've gone through some you've gone through some stuff as well in in my downtime because you have your own life as well. Yeah. Um so so so so update us. Like what what's what's going on there?
SPEAKER_02Weird segue, but let's dive in. Yeah, I mean, I think last year, the end of the year was tumultuous for a lot of people in different ways. And I think it really came down to like such a personal, like deeply personal way. Uh my mom died the week before Christmas. Um, two weeks before that, I had to put my dog down. So it was just kind of like a back-to-back, left-right hook to the face.
SPEAKER_00Um when it rains, it pours.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely. Um, and it was really unexpected and really crazy because her 60th birthday is five days after your birthday. She was born December 8th. Okay. And I had an itch. She lived in Idaho and uh I had this. My my special gift in life is my gift of intuition. And I just had this poll of like, we need to go see her, and she needs to meet her grandson, and her 60th birthday is coming up, and there's no better time. So we sh we need to get up there. And so um, we we I bought the tickets, we booked the trip, and even a couple days before, my wife was a little sick, Rourke was a little sick, and my wife was like, maybe we shouldn't go. And I'm like, we are going, even if we have to travel with you guys puking on the plane, we're going. Like, that's how strong this intuition was that we need to get there. Uh, we got there, we surprised her. It was a whirlwind of a trip. Um, she was an assisted living and not the epitome of health by any means, but nowhere near on her deathbed. There was no indication that she was close. Uh, maybe she was only 60.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um and seeing her with I mean, shit, I'm not far from 60. I know. It's a scary thought, right? Like 60 is so young. And at one point in our lives, hearing 60, we're like, damn, that's old.
SPEAKER_00But now I'm 75% of the way to 60. I can do this in my max.
SPEAKER_02Like 60 is the new 40. It's like it's still you're still so full of life most of the time. And so, and and honestly, seeing her with Rourke, and this is something that um my wife and I have talked about, and something that I've just tried to introspect on seeing her engage with Rourke was like he had completed her in some way. They had these like intense
Grief: Losing A Mother And A Dog
SPEAKER_02silent conversations where they would just be staring at each other. And Rourke, you know, he's at the stage where he's like wiggly and active and wants to move. So the fact that he would just sit there on her chest and be so close to her face, and it was like they were talking.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna try not to cry. Um so it was beautiful. It was like so beautiful. And we left, and uh then 11 days later, not no, not 11 days later. That's what that's what was in her obituary that was actually really funny. It was nine days later. I got a call from my aunt.
SPEAKER_00So when you but when you went to visit, you didn't know.
SPEAKER_02No idea. No, I mean we we celebrated her birthday, we went out to eat, we hung out with her all day long. It was she was totally as normal. She was living life, yeah. She was living her life. She was cracking jokes, you know, she had a very uh dry, sarcastic sense of humor. And um she would really only let herself come out, she had a really hard life, and she had her body and her mind had been a prison for her in a lot of ways for a very long time. So in in on one side of the coin, it was a merciful end of life.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Because I think that perspective is so huge when you when you lose somebody, especially if you if you just know in your heart of hearts like it's they're going to a better place, right? It's like the rainbow bridge for for when you put a pet down, when you lose a dog, like that's that kind of stuff is uh is so powerful.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it's been so hard, and something that I'm struggling with because at one, like the other side of the coin was she was finally at a place in her life where she was stable, where she was dependable. We knew we could talk to her. She made calls to us every Sunday. I mean, there were years of our lives where we didn't hear for her for months on end. And the the only phone call I expected was, hey, we found your mom in a ditch. So I expected that phone call 15 years ago. But she had gotten herself to this place and she'd actually had a medical scare back in July that put her in the hospital. She had diabetes. And um, I think that that really put her into the present of the reality of like if you don't take care of yourself, yeah, the fragility of life. And so she started actively making choices that we hadn't seen her make in a long time. And so it felt in one way like we were robbed, and of like the cruelty of like she finally got to this place where she was good. And then it gets taken away. So that part is hard not to be real bitter about.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02But the other side of it, I think when I look at it, it's like she was separated from us. The only thing she had to live for now were her kids and her grandkids, and we're all so far away from her and so spread out. And she's living and watching us live our lives at a distance and only getting a piece of it, you know, once a week or maybe a couple times a week when we talk. And that must have been heartbreaking for her. Um, so it's it's so and but maybe it wasn't, right?
SPEAKER_00Like, yeah, I think that I and and and I don't want to speculate or project, but but maybe it wasn't. Yeah, I mean I have to accept that possibility. Like I said, in my situation, like that was my life when I was down. Yeah. And I was very aware of that. And and you know, maybe she maybe she had a mindset like me where she just didn't want to be a burden on others. And oh, for sure she didn't. You know, and so so those little those little pieces were the highlights of her day and her week and her month. Um so I think that's you know, I challenge you to, you know, try and consider thinking looking at it that, you know, that way instead of feeling sorry for her.
SPEAKER_02You know, it sounds like I mean, obviously, you know, you don't want to rationalize what there's so many layers, and when you have a complicated relationship with a parent, which I know a lot of people do, it makes losing them even more difficult to process because you have all the normal stuff that people who are close with their parents would go through. You have the regret, you have the I should have done this, you know, but there's so many more layers of all of the hurt and the resentment and the the unforgiven things, the unspoken things, the unresolved things that you never got the chance to address.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the forgive but never forget.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And it's just, and and my siblings, you know, they they didn't get to see her like I did, you know. The last time we were all together was when my youngest brother got married a couple of years ago. And so that was the last time they all got to see her. And so I have the benefit of I got to see her just days before, you know, and so there is a little bit of that guilt that I carry too. And um, I think that ultimately what's come out of it, because you and I were talking before this episode of like this isn't obviously losing a parent, being a part of the dead parents club is fucking horrible. Like it's yeah, I can't. It sucks, especially when you're younger, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, so anybody who still has their parents, like when you have a baby, yeah, consider it a blessing. That's the other thing, is like I feel like being a mother, my relationship with her started to evolve in a way that was more of a relationship than we've had in the last 20 years. And it triggered her to share memories about when I was kidding, when we were kids, and these are memories I've never heard.
SPEAKER_00You were getting that momentum.
SPEAKER_02I was getting it, I was getting it back. So, in a way, like I feel robbed of a lot of things, but but what's come out of it is uh I feel it's quite beautiful because it truly just absolutely dismantled me and brought and stripped me down to my most vulnerable, raw self in ways that you don't know is possible until you go through something that traumatic.
SPEAKER_00I so there's a so I think obviously, I mean, the show is called Open the Gate, which is named after a Zach Bryan song. And there's a uh Zach Bryan just put out a new album, and there's a there's a there's a a lyric in one of his new songs, and the lyric says, you can't learn heartbreak from a poem.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00And like it that lyric just jumps out. I just got goosebumps saying it because like I I I I've applied that a lot to kind of my situation recently, and obviously not heartbreak in my situation, but like you literally broke yourself though.
SPEAKER_02I mean I think it's a little active.
SPEAKER_00So when you shared that, and it's like, yeah, there's certain things, as much as we want to share these experiences and and our perspective and the things that we felt like helped us get through these, like there are things in life that that that you have to experience firsthand to to truly understand. Um and that so that helps me because like it's like you know, people want to be empathetic because they want to be good people, which is nice. And you have to allow them that, yeah. You know, like you do.
SPEAKER_02It's the only thing they can do. Yeah, because they can't relate otherwise, you know. And um I think when you get stripped down that bear, that vulnerable, and are forced to be present with the grief and the rawness of it, and it it strips away all of the superficial things that you carry.
SPEAKER_00All the bullshit's gone.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, all of the bullshit is gone. And I think one of the things that I've gotten out of it, there's there's a lot that's been silently rebuilding inside, right? Like it's a true Phoenix from the ashes experience in life of being reborn with something new, something different. And I feel like I have been liberated a lot of my need to please people, my need to care about what other people think. And it's forced me to just show up so much more authentically.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I was always a very authentic person. I mean, I would never, you would never get a version of me that isn't who I feel I am.
SPEAKER_00Sure.
SPEAKER_02But I did and still do, but did more so before care a lot about whether people liked me and what they thought of me. And, you know, if I act this way, is it gonna make them think this? All of that is gone. It's stripped away because there's no room to carry that when you're in such a vulnerable place. Yeah. And um, and it's just forced me to show up in a way that when I inter when I w am interacting with people, I almost want to eliminate all of the superficial small talk. Yeah, I'm like, let's get down to it. Like what's really going on?
SPEAKER_00What's gonna get this deal across the finish line? What's the holdup here?
SPEAKER_02Like can we can we just stop with thillery, by the way, which is almost like exciting because, but I have to like rein it back in because I have to remember it's so much of a delicate emotional dance, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm willing to walk away.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I don't, I'm not losing anything by not getting something I never had.
Intuition, Last Visit, And Complicated Love
SPEAKER_02So let's talk about this.
SPEAKER_00Let's see the scene in Tombstone where they're holding the gun to the guy's head and he's like, You're bluffing. He's like, No, he ain't bluffing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he ain't bluffing. I'm not bluffing. I just said no to a seller because they wanted to list high, and there's nothing to justify it. Normally I would have chased that and been like, it's okay, we'll put it on. I would have wasted my time. I just talked a buyer out of buying a house because they're a first-time home buyer.
SPEAKER_00All right, let's be careful. Like you do get a little bit of a commercial for your business here. So don't It's crazy. It's crazy.
SPEAKER_02So these are these are things that I would never have done before, but now it's forced me to really focus on what matters and what is best for not just me, but for the people that I'm helping.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and what's uh like what's what's actionable, right? Like what what what's gonna carry weight, yeah, um, not waste time.
SPEAKER_02And it also one thing that I have to be cautious about is that I am now getting a little less patient when I'm in conversations that seem like they're not going surface level.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I just I I want to talk about what's really going on with people. We're all dealing with shit. Like we all have shit that's going on. And I want to know that's the space that I want to live in with people. I want to know what gives you anxiety when you're trying to fall asleep at night. I want to know what you wake up that you're excited about. I want to know what are you working on to better yourself tomorrow from the person you were today. I want to know these, like that's the depth that I want to be in in all of my conversations right now. And it makes a lot of people uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I bet. Yeah. I'm like, Kaylee, we're not talking. I know, I know.
SPEAKER_02You're like, you're you're hearing this and you're like, okay, this is the last time you're gonna interview me.
SPEAKER_00Oh, man.
SPEAKER_02But that's what's come of it. And I think that it's gonna be really great for my relationships, my friendships, my partnerships with clients moving forward because it's I think a refreshing experience for people. For sure.
SPEAKER_00You're not who you you're not who you are without the experiences you have. Yeah. Everything that happens in your life molds you into who you are, and that's why we're all unique and and have our own our own things. Um so I think that's you know, I think um obviously going through that for you is is is horrendous. I I I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
SPEAKER_02Honestly, I would have rather broken both of my ankles.
SPEAKER_00I yeah, I I I I think I I I I think that probably would have been easier for you as well. Um, I mean I'm happy to make light of my situation like in the face of death, a hundred percent. Yeah. Um death's just really hard.
SPEAKER_02Um but I have also been using humor of it too. You know, I told you earlier, people are like, wow, Kayleigh, you look amazing. What are you doing? And I'm like, well, my mom died. Yeah. So I've been on the grief diet. You stop eating for about a month, you lose a ton of weight, also you lose a ton of muscle. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh, but now I have a head start and I've been hitting the gym pretty damn hard the last few weeks, and that's a huge therapy for me.
SPEAKER_00Oh, it's a release, it's yeah, I mean it's everything.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it it focuses me, and also I feel strong again, not just physically, but emotionally too. And and I have my moments, like you know, that that's the weird thing about grief is that it hits you like a ton of bricks in the moments that you least expect it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. When your guard's down, yeah. It goes when your guard's down.
SPEAKER_02And you have to and you have to feel it. That's the other thing, too, is something that's really difficult for people like you and I, because being vulnerable, especially emotionally, is a very uncomfortable thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And um, I've learned I've learned to get comfortable with it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. For me to have to slow down and literally lay down for for two months and have those quiet moments and and and and deal with some of the thoughts was uh was a lot. I mean, I was uncomfortable with myself and my own skin. Um it's so funny. I'll let what we're gonna wrap up. I I'll end with this one. So, like we talked about the atrophy. So I've you know, I live in frickin' gym shorts and joggers these days. So when I got out of the wheelchair and onto and onto my crutches, I went, my daughter had a volleyball tournament in town. So I was like, cool, three days, it's close enough to home. Like if something, you know, if something becomes bothersome, I can I can pull the ripcord and go home. Uh well, so like well, I'd been in a freaking wheelchair atrophying and not being active for for two months prior to. So uh I I get up and I put my joggers on, I put my phone in my pocket, and my wallet in my pocket, and I'm crutching out, and my pants are falling down. Because my ass is just completely deplenished, like it's gone. Like it's just flat. It's a board. Like I used to have a a round butt, and now it's just flat.
SPEAKER_02It's like the ass is the first thing to go.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. I was crazy. I mean, literally, I jokingly say, I mean, Maureen and I met when I was playing baseball in college. Like, I'm pretty sure the fur the only reason she went out with me that first time was because I had a nice ass.
SPEAKER_02Baseball players, I just have to take a moment. Baseball players have the best asses in all of sports. And we know. I know you know, but as a woman, I have to endorse this. Yeah. When you see me watching baseball, there's only one thing I'm actually watching.
SPEAKER_00We're weird.
SPEAKER_02And it's at the level you would have seen in your wheelchair.
SPEAKER_00Oh my goodness. Um Thank you for sharing your story. Thank thank you for sharing yours. Like I said, mine, mine, mine is literally uh a speed bump. And and that's all that's all I'm willing to let it be. Um depend on how many of them there are, but yeah. I'm getting through mine. You're you're doing a great job of getting through yours.
SPEAKER_02We're all getting through.
SPEAKER_00And uh, you know, like so goes.
SPEAKER_02We're all gonna And here we go.
SPEAKER_00We're all gonna do it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Onward. Onward and outward. Thanks for tuning in on this long one, guys.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that was a long one. And we're gonna get out of here without music because there it is. The first technical faux pas. All right, guys. See you later.
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